Cure For This Election: Complimentary Alcohol

Democrats will gather at at least five locations to mark the completion of another Election Day:

• The Allegheny County Democratic Party -- whose endorsed candidates include legendary party-circuit marauder Arlen Specter -- intends to assemble at Finnegan's Wake (appropriately named monument to foolishly subsidized development), a half-block east of PNC Park. Say hello to Jim Burn, who says he's buying.

• Joe Sestak's insurgents will watch returns (and hope the campaign suddenly becomes organized enough to come through with the promised beer) at campaign headquarters, 4326 Butler Street, Lawrenceville. Don't say hi to anyone (technically, they're not there, because of party discipline). Note to campaign decision-makers from Philadelphia: Get the beer at Lawrenceville's Church Brew Works.

• Dan Onorato's investors will distribute liquid dividends (and highway paving projects, bond deals and state consulting contracts) at the IBEW Hall, just south of the Hot Metal Bridge, Southside. Say hello to the List-Makers.

• Joe Hoeffel's followers will gather at the Walnut Grill, 5500 Walnut Street, Shadyside. Say hi to InsolvenCity councilor Bill Peduto (who may be a bit late, consequent to heading to Cappy's by mistake and habit).

• Jack Wagner's supporters will meet at Amici banquet hall on Route 51, south of the Liberty Tunnels (former site of Tambellini's, a restaurant that closed after the drink tax was enacted -- coincidence?). Say hi to everyone named Wagner; it will take a while.

Modest attempts to identify the locations of Republican events were unsuccessful. Perhaps half will ostentatiously go to church while the other half will sneak to a bathhouse. Then, after about 90 minutes, they'll switch.