One such use of front-page Sunday real estate, reproduced in its inexplicable entirety:
More thefts probed at Seven SpringsWe tried mockery. Next step is inquiry: Unless the snowboard belonged to Fred Frank (bonus coverage!), the goggles were Clementine's and the theft occurred at the mountain chalet of the lovely Norah Lawlor and the dashing Jeffrey Bradford, how can this Somerset County pilfery fetish be explained?
Police said a snowboard and goggles, collectively valued at $730, were taken on Friday.
(Be careful, Post-Gazetteers: Use a non-P-G e-mail account for correspondence)
Infinonytune: Conquering Fools, O.A.R. (Of A Revolution)