We Pause For A Public Service Announcement ...

. . . from someone you would not let your child near, let alone take advice from . . .



. . .oh, and from the people who introduced "pump me" heels to middle school.

Orie-Zappala War: Enough Weapons-Grade Vulnerability For Mutual Assured Destruction

The Orie-Zappala feud War -- currently being conducted statewide, with public-issued, -operated and -funded weapons -- already featured enough good points to fashion an ample arsenal of pitchforks before today's Zappala-arranged (and partially Orie-deflected) perp walk (left).

State Sen. (and majority whip) Jane Orie, according to several sources (one an intern from Pitt, another a staffer-turned-state's-evidence), allegedly used her senatorial office -- literally, not figuratively -- to campaign for a state Supreme Court candidate. Which Supreme Court candidate? The one who is her sister. Good point.

The refreshingly naive intern (too inexperienced to recognize business as usual, in nature if not degree) approached Pennsylania Attorney General Tom Corbett, who is using his office -- part literally, part figuratively -- to campaign for a candidate for governor. Which gubernatorial candidate? The one named Tom Corbett. Again, good point.

Tom Corbett punted -- the prospect of aggravating supporters of the state's third-ranking Senate Republican in the months before a Republican primary is the political equivalent of third-and-thirty-seven -- an action inconsistent with Corbett's "reform" platform but conducive to a campaign. Which campaign? The Corbett campaign. Another good point.

That punt was fielded by Stephen A. Zappala Jr., the Zappala empire's legal enforcer county district attorney, whose office has become a support center for candidates, business interests (disclosed, undisclosed, etc.), and political vendettas, all of which involve people named Zappala, people associated with List-Makers people named Zappala, or people who have crossed a Zappala. Yet again, a good point.

District Attorney Zappala concluded that he could overlook Sen. Orie's legitimate, public criticism of his entire family father, sister and brother, and her opposition to Zappala family business interests, and prosecute Sen. Orie impartially, because . . . well, that part has not been explained. Wow! Now that's a good point.

That punt was not fielded by the local United States Attorney's office, which has been used to pursue certain elected officials with vigor (but not, in general, convictions). Which elected officials? Democratic elected officials. Good points must be in season.

The feuding factions -- Republicans and Democrats, Ories and Zappalas, the currently ins and the currently outs -- have until now been fighting primarily over dollars and elected offices, the political equivalent of beanbags. With today's arraignment of Sen. Orie, however, Stephen Zappala has used the first bomb, turning the dispute into a war. Because both sides live in a conflicted and profitable politics-and-business world whose atmosphere consists primarily of weapons-grade materials, this war could escalate quickly and powerfully.

Until those developments occur, a question: Is there no good, independent lawyer in western Pennsylvania able and willing to become a district attorney or United States attorney?

Good News Can Emerge From Ashes Of Disaster

More than one hundred Chinese miners, trapped and feared dead, have reached the surface, alive, more than one week after their mine was flooded.

Also, the Pirates' schedule indicates that three (and only three) games at PNC Park will be worth attending this season:

Sat., July 24, Pompatus of Love giveaway
Sat. Aug. 7, Bourbon, Scotch, Beer giveaway
Sat., Sept. 25, Conquering Fools giveaway

West Virginians Ought To Give Pennsylvanians A Head Start In Answering This Question

Which group is assigned highest life insurance rates?

1) minefield clearers

2) suicide bombers

3) elderly recipients of experimental pancreatic cancer treatments

4) coal miners employed by Massey affiliates

Quick!! Somebody Get To The Butler Bench!

If any Infinonyreaders are within earshot of the Butler bench, please inform the Bulldogs that if a player finds himself attempting a hanging-forever, fadeaway five-footer against three taller Blue Devils after a stymied drive, the proper play is to snap a pass to a wide-open teammate (of which there will be at least two) for a three-point attempt.

What's Next -- A Tom Murphy Bridge?

The American standard for a standing ovation appears to have dropped eighty or ninety percent in less than a week.

(The Tom Murphy Bridge angle is a joke . . . isn't it?)

Sunday Reading: Holiday Schedule Edition

Parking Lots (or Lots of Parking): Prof. Mistick's spring cleaning included polishing his crystal ball.

Intersection of Despair and Depravity: A head start toward hell.

Same Intersection: Same direction.

Big Brother No Longer Needs To Watch You -- The RFID Tag You Are Carrying Does It For Him

The Tribune-Review's Rege Behe examines the prospect of concert promoters replacing tickets with wristbands that track customers' movements and transactions. The equation -- unsuspecting customer loses privacy (or worse) as coy corporation collects a few coins -- is becoming familiar, invoked against those who buy beer (from certain sellers), use "shopper discount cards," or subscribe to E-Z Pass.

First Anniversary (Nothing Happy About It)

What generated regular Infinonymizing? The natural guesses might include the Boy Mayor (whoops, the other Boy Mayor), compromised (or at least entangled) prosecutors, InsolvenCity, substandard elected officials, or the seemingly endless supply of chronic local afflictions.

Good guesses, but all wrong. The precipitate was an acute (but enduring) outrage, whose first anniversary is today.

A Sign Greater Than All The Sermons By All The Preachers At All The Pulpits In All The Lands?

On Holy Thursday, an "angry" Bishop David Zubik was pandering righteously to his followers from the pulpit at St. Paul's Cathedral, drawing a standing ovation by damning a "rush to judgment" against the Catholic Church (which systematically facilitated and concealed widespread sexual abuse of children by its employees).

Before another dawn arrived, Bishop Zubik was struck down by one of the most painful afflictions known to man.

Perhaps there is a just God.

If so, this guy is in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Because if complaining about those seeking to hold the church to account for damnable moral and legal crimes is punishable by swift onset of "excruciating" pains that drive man to his kness, mortal synapses can only wonder at the penalty to be imposed for likening those critics to Jew-persecuting Nazis.

Impalement?

Ceti eel?

Pirates season tickets?

UPDATE: Just as Commander Chekov was spared when the cortex-snuggling Ceti Eel inexplicably crawled back out Chekov's ear, Bishop Zubik recovered from surgery and celebrated Easter Mass.

Easter Bunny Arrives Early At Council Chambers

A dozen Easter eggs -- to be distributed among the baskets of Darlene Harris, Bill Peduto, Patrick Dowd, Doug Shields, Natalia Rudiak and Bruce Kraus* -- for enjoyment during an open meeting concerning parking privatization for Pittsburgh:

1. How and when did the concept of a parking privatization transaction for Pittsburgh originate?

2. Which person(s) first mentioned or proposed a parking privatization plan for Pittsburgh?

3. Which city representative(s) first became aware of the subject?

4. Has anyone acting on behalf of the city communicated, directly or indirectly, with any of these people or entities (or their representatives or affiliates) about a privatized parking plan for Pittsburgh?

(a) Charles Zappala
(b) Gregory Zappala
(c) anyone named Zappala
(d) Bill Lieberman
(e) John Verbanac
(f) Edward Grattan
(g) Oxford Development
(h) Walnut Capital
(i) Gateway Financial
(j) any campaign contributor to Luke Ravenstahl
(k) any campaign contributor to Dan Onorato
(l) any campaign contributor to Jack Wagner
(m) any campaign contributor to a member of city council
(n) any state legislator
(o) County Executive Dan Onorato
(p) Government Ed Rendell
(q) any lobbyist
(r) Joe King
(s) GAI Consultants
(t) James Scalo
(u) Mascaro Construction
(v) Boich Companies
(w) Mosites Construction
(x) Bill Rudolph
(y) Forest City Enterprises
(z) a random blonde at Cain's Saloon

5. Has anyone associated with city government heard anything about participation (investment, employment, consulting, vendor) by southwestern Pennsylvanians in a privatized parking system?

6. Which southwestern Pennsylvanians have been mentioned concerning such participation?

7. Which outside advisors or consultants have communicated with city representatives concerning development, evaluation, or implementation of a privatized parking system?

8. Which prospective vendors have communicated with city representatives about involvement with a privatized parking system?

9. Who recommended Morgan Stanley for participation in a parking privatization project?

10. Were any other entities or persons considered for what has become Morgan Stanley's role in the parking privatization project?

11. Are you aware of any written analysis or review of alternatives to the transaction structure envisioned by Morgan Stanley?

12. Are you aware of any written analysis or review of experience(s) concerning other proposed or implemented privatized parking systems?

* The bunny visits only good boys and girls. Others get their goodies at the fifth floor of the City-County Building.

Surveillance We Could Believe In

The Post-Gazette reports that the Ravenstahl administration wants to install another batch of 24-hour surveillance cameras throughout Pittsburgh (at least, if someone else will pay for it).

The mayor described a preference to aim the cameras at high-crime locations.

As has been noted in this space before, the obvious way to implement this strategy would be to position the first new camera in the mayor's office and to place the second new camera on the hood of the mayor's InsolvenCity-issued vehicle.

U.S. Government Screws Up One-Form Census

The Infinonyform was returned to the United States Bureau of the Census today. Several media reports -- and a government website -- suggest the form should have been posted earlier.

The form, however -- by expressly instructing* that all questions are to be answered with information "as of April 1, 2010" -- establishes that every form returned before today was submitted by a scofflaw.

Maximum fine for scofflawing (providing false information to the Bureau of the Census): $500.

Therefore, if anyone in a household was struck by a bus (whether or not operated by a driver who had completed anger-management therapy) and killed, or, worse, ran off with some guy from a Paris Hilton sex tape, between the time a premature Census form was submitted and April 1, the person who signed the form is obligated by law to correct the lies.

* Fairness requires it be noted that the official form provided conflicting guidance by exhorting Americans to return the form "TODAY!" even though it reached mailboxes a month before April 1.

New Development In Overdue Nomination Of The Chong-Hunter's Successor As U.S. Attorney?

Has the story of the overdue nomination of a United States Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania developed an unexpected wrinkle? One of the finalists -- not the one commonly understood to have been picked -- is said to be resigning a current position.

Onorato, Corbett Are Standouts Survivors In Race Crawl Toward Nominations For Governor

The campaign for governor of Pennsylvania has reached a new phase, which is good news for two of the candidates running crawling toward the opportunity to replace Ed Rendell.

Among Democrats (or, at least, those who masquerade as Democrats), Dan Onorato has newly emerged as the favorite -- not so much because of anything Onorato has done or will do, but instead because his opponents refrained from derailing him before the onset of Air Dan, a massive television advertising campaign funded by the big-money donors who believe Pennsylvania they would benefit from Onorato's election. Until now, Jack Wagner's statewide connections and Joe Hoeffel's status as an actual Democrat had been enough to prevent any candidate from claiming an edge, and Onorato's "inevitability" argument was never credible. But his opponents squandered the chance to dent Onorato with a scandal or his vulnerabilities (assessments, drink tax, his ability to pass the Republican litmus test) before massive media buys dominate the discussion. (The most likely explanation of Anthony Williams' candidacy is that he is carrying water for someone who wishes to dilute the Philadelphia vote -- has anyone checked his petition circulators?)

Among Republicans, Tom Corbett has withstood the principal threats to his candidacy (another across-the-board acquittal of a politician Democratic politician chased by Corbett's prosecutors; a careful examination of the relationship between Corbett's campaign and Corbett's Office of the Attorney General; or a Republican candidate with charisma) and is positioned to cruise to nomination -- and the slight favorite's position for November.

The likely (and lackluster) matchup in November: Corbett-Onorato.

The relevant Propositions Board lines (far right column) have been adjusted.