Before Mocking The Brits, America Should Consider Its Taste For The Palins, Trumps And Kardashians

Although the temptation to mock British vacuity (newly titled Baron Carrickfergus in carriage, left) is understandable today, Americans should exercise the caution they have ignored in elevating the Kardashians, the Trumps and the Palins to national points of fascination. Cue: The guest list for the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, a spirited race to the bottom of our culture.

For an event honoring award-winning journalists, ABC News ignored most of its newsgatherers and invited professional model Erin Andrews; People magazine responded by inviting semi-professional imbecile Bristol Palin (left in picture at right, celebrating her high school pregnancy with tequila), daughter of consummate professional imbecile Sarah Palin.

Bloomberg invited Brooke Burke, host of Andrews and Bristol Palin on "Dancing With The Stars." USA Today's table will feature estranged C-listers Courtney Cox and David Arquette (left); CNN's, celebrity trainwreck Paula Abdul; The Hill's, nondescript basketballer John Wall; The New Yorker's, B-list actors Jon Hamm and Zach Galifianakis.

The Fox News table will be inhabited by "family values" leader Newt Gingrich and prospective Mrs. Gingriches Kate Hudson, Bridget Moynahan, Alyssa Milano, Patricia Arquette (sister, not ex-wife, of David Arquette) and Amber Riley.

The Washington Post's guests will include Donald Trump (left in picture at right, apparently ignoring whose head should be shaved), serial shedder of creditors and trophy wives, which means a Palin and a Trump are among those to be addressed by President Obama at this year's national commemoration of journalistic achievement; no word yet concerning any of the Kardashians.

Infytune: Idiot's Delight, Bruce Springsteen and Joe Grushecky

Another Delusion Of Adequacy From The Palins

Nineteen-year-old Teen Abstinence Ambassador Bristol Palin was unable to complete high school, or to operate a condom successfully, but she believes she is ready to launch her professional lobbying and consulting career.

Wild guess: The other girl (the one holding the nearly-polished half-gallon of Captain Morgan rum) is the new company's chief financial officer?

Ms. Palin, who also was unable to seal the deal with her child's father and objects to a request for joint custody, faulted her baby daddy in a court filing for acting "for his own self-promotion."

Before laughing too hard, consider that in Pittsburgh, Bristol Palin would probably already be mayor.

Palin's Endorsement: A Sorely Needed Stimulus Package For Senatorial Candidate O'Donnell?

Former half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has endorsed Delaware senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell, news so exciting it might even have caused the 41-year-old candidate (right, displaying her microphone-handling skills) to experience the first orgasm of her pathetic, repressed, superstition-based, failure-laced, never-married, never-even-touched life.

Perhaps Miss O'Donnell could return the favor by offering some "family values" counseling to Bristol Palin (before Bristol and her Dancing With The Stars partner start doing the tango)?

Infinonytunes: I Touch Myself, Divinyls

The Human Centipede: Unsavory At Any Speed

It appears the Ravenstahl-Onorato-public process system (also known as the "Human Centipede") is not moving quickly enough for some tastes with respect to the Civic Arena's fate (although Mayor Ravenstahl exhibited Bristol Palin-quality flexibility on tempo when the Rooneys snapped their fingers for a slow dance).

The substantive problem was set in subsidized concrete when fan boys Ravenstahl and Onorato gave the Penguins' owners bend-and-spread access to public assets (much as fungible predecessors had enabled the aptly named Pirates and Steelers to loot public accounts). That bad deal seems scant reason, however, to grant immunity from customary public and legal processes.

Anyone know who subsidized the mayor's attendance at the Pitt-Duquesne basketball game? Or should we wait for a declaration of gift?

(Former) Miss California Seems Exquisitely Prepared For Next Step In Her Walk With God

Former Miss California (and Miss USA runner-up) Carrie Prejean, whose foremost discernible talent is making Perez Hilton look like the reasonable half of a catfight, has responded to her decrowning by issuing a statement:

I am excited and looking forward to where God leads me in the future. I know He has big plans for me. I am proud to be the strong woman God has molded me to be. I will always stand for the truth, respectfully, and never back down.

Apparently, God's molding of Carrie Prejean has to this point involved (1) fake boobs, (2) a bottle-blonde makeover, (3) whatever classes one attends to learn such terms as "opposite marriage," and (4) strutting around in a skimpy swimsuit on high heels (left) when she isn't being (5) photographed without half of her swimsuit (right) in violation of her pageant covenants, or (6) lecturing on morality.

Against that background, I believe I can predict for Miss Jesusland where God is going to lead her next, and it involves big plans. It also involves six beers, five shots, four fraternity brothers, three orifices, two intense hours and one trip to the student health office . . . although, because she attends San Diego Christian College, she'll probably need to take a bus to San Diego State and pretend to have forgotten her ID to get her morning-after pill.

If Carrie Prejean (left, counseling known doper Michael Phelps with carefully selected Scripture) thought the devil was trying to tempt her with Perez Hilton at the pageant, I expect her to experience a genuine revelation when Satan puts her on that fraternity basement couch.

After which she will, no doubt, replace Bristol Palin, at least in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's eyes, as the "perfect candidate" to be the national spokeswoman for abstinence-only education.

The Tangled Web A Desperate Roddey Is Weavering As GOP Ponders A Tea Party Diva's Daffy Demands

Patti Weaver, one of the Americans who became vocal and strident about goverment spending and deficits when a black President was elected, has Jim Roddey and Allegheny County Republicans dancing on a string.

Weaver (left) is tantalizing Republicans with prospects of a county executive candidacy with enough Tea Party pizzazz to overcome the structural obstacles to any county-wide Republican candidacy (and the memories of Roddey's term as executive). The Tea Partiers position themselves as principled outsiders. It is an especially hollow claim in Weaver's case -- she is a member of the Republican state committee, and there is no available evidence of her activism while a conservative, white President was wasting trillions of borrowed dollars -- but local Republicans apparently see themselves in no position to quibble about substance.

Weaver reportedly is leveraging her Bristol Palin-like celebrity, demanding that Roddey guarantee millions of dollars in financial assistance from establishment sources for her grass-roots campaign and insisting of specified levels of party-supplied volunteer support. These negotiations are said to explain the on-then-off rally at which Weaver had been scheduled to announce her candidacy: When Roddey couldn't find enough spontaneously enthused political soldiers to populate the kick-off rally for Weaver's taste, she demanded that the Republican Party rescind the media advisories.

Weaver seems an unlikely candidate in several respects. She studied at Harvard but apparently avoided learning the definition of "socialist" and has exhibited weakness in mathematics. She proclaims civic passion but reportedly refrains from voting. Democrats claim to have identified other inconsistencies and flaws in her record.

She proposes barring from ballots candidates who have not passed an economics test. Her preferred economics professor? Glenn Beck. (You can expose a dogmatic right-winger to Harvard, but you can't make her think.)

Are Republicans desperate enough for Patti Weaver? We should know soon.

Infinonytune: Looking For A Love, J. Geils Band (with Magic Dick)

50 Cent Worth $10 Million (On Moron Market)

Even in a world in which people devote attention to the Kardashians, find worth in Bristol Palin, buy Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus tickets, and consider Glenn Beck a reliable source, this is remarkable.

Infinonytune: I Played The Fool, Little Steven and The Disciples Of Soul

Did The Burgh Lose A Contest Whose Winner Got A Ravenstahl While The Loser Got Two Of Them?

Some people apparently look at Bristol Palin (right, with vodka bottle) -- who became pregnant and a high school dropout at 17 (and a broken-engagement single mother at 18) despite the advantages associated with being the child of a governor (left, with wink) -- and think, "if that unqualified but politically connected bimbo can be a (part-time) ambassador for abstinence and start a lobbying and consulting firm, my equally unaccomplished life has 'state representative' written all over it."

Pittsburgh's North Side is beginning to resemble a Married With Children episode, except in the yinzer script the guy whose resume leads with "high school football" doesn't sell women's footwear at Gary's Shoes at the mall -- instead, he follows a freakish path to become a small-town mayor, or uses his second-team all-conference place-kicker trophy as a springboard to the state capitol.

Palin Family Values Trainwreck Hits New Curve

Abstinence advocate and prominent family values parenting example Bristol Palin (left) reportedly has called off her second engagement to babydaddy Levi Johnston, Playgirl and Republican National Convention strutter, consequent to a flame-up concerning one of Levi's ex-girlfriends (no, not the one who recently turned up pregnant, but that was a good guess).