The Bride Of Lukenstein

The expressions of InsolvenCity's council members revealed more than did the votes and appointments that set the stage for another year of dysfunction among the City of Pittsburgh's elected leaders.

In quintessential fifth floor fashion, the mayor, his minions, and nine city councilors alienated allies, roiled relationships, and forged faithless allegiances to accomplish not even a feint at progress but instead the maintenance of a mediocre status quo. Another improbable broken-field run places Darlene Harris in the council president's chair, this time leaving an even more broken field. A recipe for a combination of free-for-all and free-fall.

Accepting her colleagues' affirmation, Harris (left, reaching for swearing-in Bible) looked every bit the Bride of Lukenstein she had become, jolted into a tortured approximation of political life by strange applications of power and chemistry. She has her presidency, but is not quite sure how or why it came to creation, and even her flickering faculties sense there is something unnatural and doomed about it.

Patrick Dowd, who bartered his vote for . . . who knows what? Not even a hackneyed horror script could devise a plot lurch in which Dowd received anything worthwhile. On this day, his was the pivotal vote (except in the fantasy world of the Post-Gazette's local political coverage). But his expression indicated that he knew not one of his eight colleagues would ever consider him reliable again. If there was a strategy or benefit associated with this vote, it is known, or perhaps exists, only in the mind of Patrick Dowd.

Ricky Burgess looked like a student whose forged hall pass just fooled one teacher but is not expected to carry him all the way to the parking lot. He has the finance chair, but can not count on anything after today.

Theresa Kail Smith, maid of honor for a day, had the look of an outsider who had maneuvered her way into the "in" crowd, but who realized she would probably be back to her customary level of popularity tomorrow.

Corey O'Connor displayed the genuine smile of someone who was overwhelmed, mostly by good things like inauguration and a marriage proposal, but also by the recognition he was now responsible for voting on public policy despite barely understanding what he had gotten himself into. He looked much like fellow Central Catholic graduate Tino Sunseri in a collapsing pocket, two long seconds after the ball should have been thrown.

Bruce Kraus, Bill Peduto, and Natalia Rudiak tried but could not hide shell shock. Three faces, one expression, evoking Jon Lovitz in a Saturday Night Live presidential debate as Michael Dukakis, who, when asked to comment on the inane mumbling of Dana Carvey's George Bush (the older, competent one), offered concise rebuttal: "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy!" Watch:

Daniel Lavelle just looked happy that his first day of this year's council term could not be as face-plant disastrous as his first day one year ago.

We will leave it to others to perform the detailed autopsy on this year's council, a body decomposing less than one hour into its new life. Divided government has its virtues in some circumstances, but this council is too divided to stand or crawl. Two men put Harris back into the president's position; one hates her, the other dislikes her. As of today, those sentiments are shared by the council colleagues who stood by Harris as the mayor attempted to whack her. There is no discernible majority for anything; not for good government, not for mayoral sycophancy, not for ham-handed corruption, not for any identifiable strategy, not for any sensible tactic.

Can InsolvenCity, still failing after a sustained period of decline, afford the year of paralysis precipitated by today's exhibition of fifth floor dysfunction? What spooked the largely intact majority into splintering? Does anyone other than the List-Makers (and, perhaps, Jeff Thomas) stand to benefit from today's events?

Some (such as Trib headline writers in distant counties) may infer that the animation of the Bride of Lukenstein indicates that Mayor Ravenstahl has regained control of the levers of power. But most people forget that the beneficiary of the bride's creation was not Frankenstein but instead Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein was the guy who threw the switches and pulled the levers -- and that still is not Luke Ravenstahl, not by a long shot. Far more likely, Pittsburgh will spend this year traveling downhill with no one at the wheel. That's right, another horror movie.

Infytune: Frankenstein, Edgar Winter Group

Adjusted Odds On Tuesday's Voting For InsolvenCity Council President, Finance Chair

A series of recent developments -- including a telling vote, a few hushed assignations, and at least one inchoate backstabbing along a fifth-floor hallway at the City-County Building -- incline adjustment of the no-longer-early betting lines for InsolvenCity's council presidency and finance chair, and we have reached the point at which favorites are published in bold type (with former odds in parentheses):

Council president
(1) Darlene Harris: 2-3 (4-1)
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 8-1 (3-1)
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 15-1 (7-2)
(5) Corey O'Connor: 5-1 (12-1)
(6) Daniel Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 99-1 (40-1)
(8) Bill Peduto: 15-1 (25-1)
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Lukefecta (2, 6, 9 vote together): 1-8 (1-3)

Council finance chair
(1) Darlene Harris 40-1 (3-1)
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 15-1 (4-1)
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 15-1 (5-2)
(5) Corey O'Connor: 25-1
(6) Daniel Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 2-1 (40-1)
(8) Bill Peduto: 10-1 (8-1)
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Daily Double (1, 3 in either order): 25-1 (7-2)

Infytune: Waiting On The World To Change, John Mayer
Infytune: This Time It's For Real, Southside Johnny, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, and Little Steven Van Zandt (that makes four, for those who are counting)
Infytune: Five Jive, Elmo

Early Wagering Lines: InsolvenCity Council Presidency And Finance Committee Chair

The initial line on InsolvenCity's city council presidency:

(1) Darlene Harris: 4-1
(2)Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 3-1
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 7-2
(5) Corey O'Connor: 12-1
(6) Danielle Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 40-1
(8) Bill Peduto: 25-1
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Lukefecta (2, 6, 9 vote together): 1-3

The initial line on InsolvenCity council's finance chair:

(1) Darlene Harris 3-1
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 4-1
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 5-2
(5) Corey O'Connor: 25-1
(6) Danielle Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 40-1
(8) Bill Peduto: 8-1
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Daily Double (1, 3 in either order): 7-2

Infytune: All The King's Horses, The Monkees

Ricky Loves Lukey, So The List-Makers Love Ricky

The Slaggers report that Rev. Ricky V. Burgess has attracted somewhat surprising support in his bid for re-election in InsolvenCity's ninth council district: Checks from a trio of List-Makers.

(What would be most surprising would be evidence that high-living cream-skimmers such as Charles Zappala, John Verbanac and Bill Lieberman have developed any interest in the well-being of citizens of Homewood, but we are confident that one can be dismissed.)

Somewhat surprising is the appearance of Republican insider Lieberman on an inner-city black Democratic candidate's campaign finance report. More surprising is the discovery of Mr. Verbanac's fingerprints signature on a check donated to any candidate.

The explanation is obvious: Ricky Loves Lukey. And the parking privateers continue to intend hope to ride Lukey and Ricky to a huge payday.

The antidote would be a strong primary challenger to Rev. Burgess, who was denied the Democratic Party endorsement. Instead, however, InsolvenCity's dysfunctional Democratic Party has produced the weak incumbent's prayer -- two relatively lame challengers, to split the anti-incumbent vote. The challengers' campaigns are compounding their original mistake by devoting their time and attention to juvenile carping at one another rather than to developing a credible, effective challenge to Rev. Burgess.

Infytune: I Love Lucy Theme, Desi Arnaz Orchestra

Who Is Trying To Strangle Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell's Candidacy For InsolvenCity Council -- And Why?

Unless there is a huge goggle-napping spree underway at Somerset County ski areas, or Teresa Heinz-Kerry has been spotted ignoring a stray kitten along a Ligonier boulevard, the Post-Gazette and/or the Tribune-Review should currently be connecting (or at least collecting) dots concerning the strange story of Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell.

Ms. Copeland-Mitchell (left) works worked for Program For Offenders, a relatively small social services organization funded by government (and represented, at least with respect to its dealings with Copeland-Miller, by a lawyer from one of the world's largest law firms).

Mildly vague early reports suggest Ms. Copeland-Mitchell was compelled by her employer to take leave from her job after she challenged Rev. Ricky Burgess for the Democratic endorsement for InsolvenCity's District 1 council position, then was informed that if she did not abandon her campaign by Sunday (the day on which she was endorsed over Burgess) her continued candidacy would be deemed to constitute a resignation.

Why did Program For Offenders attempt to strangle an employee's candidacy? Who control's Program For Offenders' government funding? Who are Program For Offenders' directors and officers?

If Rev. Burgess is handling four jobs -- preacher, teacher, council member and candidate -- why does Program For Offenders conclude that Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell could not work while standing for election?

UPDATE: Regardless of petty ski gear heists or juvenile taunts of the Kerrys, this might be a job for the City Paper.

Infinonytune: Da Doo Ron Ron, The Crystals

County Democratic Committee Endorses Fitzgerald

Allegheny County Democratic Committee members endorsed Rich Fitzgerald for county executive today by a margin smaller than the Fitzgerald family dinner table (five-vote difference reported).

Chelsa Wagner was endorsed (by a plurality) for county controller.

The City Democratic Committee, a primary driver as InsolvenCity has been steered into a ditch for decades, generally followed its traditional course (the ideal candidate for endorsement would be an illiterate felon employed by the Public Works department and sponsored by an uncle named Costa, Flaherty or Caliguiri) in council endorsements:

District 1: Vince Pallus
District 3: Jeff Koch
District 5: Corey O'Connor
District 7: Tony Ceoffe Jr.
District 9: Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell

City committee members rejected incumbents Darlene Harris (1), Bruce Kraus (3), Patrick Dowd (7) and Ricky Burgess (9); they did not reject incumbent council member Doug Shields (5) for council, because he didn't seek the endorsement; instead, they denied him endorsement for district justice, preferring Hugh McGough.

Mike Marmo and Alex Bicket were endorsed for Common Pleas judge.

The party endorsement doesn't mean as much as it once did (which explains why Pittsburgh has not yet reached the Gary, Indiana, stage of deterioration), and the Mark Patrick Flahertys and Bruce Krauses will withstand today's disappointment and regroup tomorrow, but every endorsed candidate can enjoy the rare good day along the campaign trail today.

UPDATE: Darlene Harris pledges a continued campaign in District 1, as does Chris Zurawsky in District 5.

UPPERDATE: The volume of arrivals at Infinonymity from searches reflects enough interest in endorsement votes to warrant posting results at the Democratic Committee website. (Also: Sorry we don't have information concerning the other endorsements.)

Infinonytune: Fight For Your Right To Party, Coldplay

Infindorsement: InsolvenCity Council District 9

InsolvenCity's 9th council district is a collection of desolate neighborhoods -- Lincoln-Lemington, Homewood, East Hills, Garfield -- that need and deserve better than the status quo.

Despite a background that would seem to predict strong advocacy of social justice, Rev. Ricky Burgess devoted his initial council term to citywide (and mayorally tinged) politics rather than to providing desperately required assistance to his district. Recently, Rev. Burgess has become a transparent, predictable and divisive lapdog for interests that are entirely unrelated to his district's needs.

On the other hand, every political force -- including the better elements of InsolvenCity's current council -- should have a foil, and Rev. Burgess has been a dependable (if merely reflexive) counterweight to the Peduto-Kraus-Dowd-Harris-Rudiak-Shields coalition.

Two challengers, hoping the mayor's money and influence might be overcome by indigenous effort within the 9th district, seek the Democratic endorsement today. Lucille Prater-Holliday (left) presents an impressive resume from the schools of hard knocks and community-mindedness. Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell appears to be a politically inexperienced but well-intentioned citizen candidate.

It is tempting to root for Rev. Burgess' tumble consequent to his cynical (and often bigoted) contributions to citywide politics, but that would ignore the most important issue for district 9 -- its local needs. The real reason to support Lucille Prater-Holliday (left) is found along Lincoln and Penn avenues rather than on Grant Street. Rev. Burgess could toss a few mayorally dispensed crumbs to his district, but East Hills and Lincoln-Larimer and Homewood would be better served by a council member focused on, and genuinely devoted to, street-level concerns.

This is a closer call than one might expect from Infinonymous' observations and reports of Rev. Burgess' performance as a member of council (and Rev. Burgess' bigotry). The Infindorsement belongs to Lucille Prater-Holliday.

Infindorsement: Lucille Prater-Holliday
Infinonytune: Living For The City, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles

Infindorsement: InsolvenCity Council District 5

Council District 5 has been the most fierce, and perhaps the most important, battleground during InsolvenCity's current election season.

A tense preliminary contest involved the judicial reconfiguration of jurisdictions for Allegheny County's dwindling roster of magistrates; the come-from-behind winner was Council President Doug Shields (left), for whom the preservation of a district centered in Squirrel Hill meant he could continue to pursue his preferred course, toward a seat among the minor judiciary.

The main bout: The battle for Corey O'Connor (right), the favorite to succeed Shields as District 5's council member and the heir to the political fortune (literally) of his late father, former Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O'Connor.

Chris Zurawsky (left) -- an East End progressive and Democratic Party leader -- is challenging O'Connor in the primary election. Josh Wander, a jackass, will carry the Republican nomination into the general election. But most attention, primary and general, is focused on a struggle for the heart and mind of young Mr. O'Connor, who seems destined to attract votes despite his scant record.

This struggle reprises the Animal House scene in which an angel and a devil are perched on Pinto's shoulders in Hoover's room, advising the bewildered pledge by turns on how to handle the passed-out girl lying on the bed.

On one of Corey O'Connor's shoulders (wearing white): Longtime family friend and advisor Shields (and, at least in spirit, Shields' council allies). The advice from this group: Follow your progressive spirit and your father's better judgement, by assuming Shields' position in the independent council majority that has included Shields, Natalia Rudiak, Bruce Kraus, Darlene Harris, Bill Peduto and (sometimes) Patrick Dowd.

On Corey O'Connor's other shoulder (in vivid red): Luke Ravenstahl and some of the parasites who came to surround Bob O'Connor over time, misappropriating his mayoral administration. The advice from this group: Ditch the pointy-headed stuff. Bring back the good old days of Regan, Verbanac, Zappala and the other List-Makers, by aligning with Rev. Ricky Burgess, Theresa Kail Smith, Daniel Lavelle and whomever else can be peeled off to form a mayorally inclined majority.

Both camps claim to have the upper hand in this contest for Corey O'Connor's soul, a contest that seems likely to continue until and beyond the general election.

O'Connor's youth and inexperience, coupled with his resources and heritage, make the fifth district's race a difficult one to reason. We will make this call on faith, and award the Infindorsement to Corey O'Connor in hope this leap of faith helps the better angels prevail.

Infindorsement: Corey O'Connor and his better angels
Infinonytune: William Tell Overture, Daniel Simpson Day

Infindorsement: InsolvenCity Council District 1

Darlene Harris has blossomed as an InsolvenCity councilor, in part consequent to happenstance, in part consequent to outrunning reasonable expectations. The result is a straightforward, independent public servant who appears to recognize, and overcome, her limitations. Her independence is precisely the reason she has unexpectedly become the mayor's main target for elimination from council.

Mrs. Harris (left) embodies old school Pittsburgh -- literally. A lifelong North Sider trained as a dental assistant, a churchgoing mother and wife of a union laborer, she entered the public arena to oppose certain elements of change in Pittsburgh's public schools, which where being compelled to change by declining enrollments in a declining city. She was a straight-ahead combatant, before and after joining the school board, who succeeded in modifying the district's transition, sometimes in ways the district could absorb sensibly.

It was reasonable to refrain from expecting much when Mrs. Harris was elected to her council position. She had aligned with the ossified elements of the city's Democratic machine. She lacked the resume suited for tackling the public policy problems of a deteriorating and stubborn InsolvenCity.

After a few years as a head-down, block-and-tackle councilor, Mrs. Harris made a striking end run to the council presidency, patiently transforming her vote into a path to the presidency after Rev. Ricky Burgess (carrying the ball for the mayor) and Bill Peduto each faltered just short of the goal. The degree to which Mrs. Harris foresaw or arranged her ascension is a point for interesting debate along Grant Street.

The established interests in Pittsburgh politics -- the List-Makers, the mayor -- expected to tolerate Mrs. Harris' presidency: How far would a Len Bodack soldier wander from the ranks? But the improbable coalition of progressives and Mrs. Harris stuck together long enough to sink the Not-So-Great Pittsburgh Parking Garage Sale, and with it millions of dollars in commissions, placement agent fees, law firm invoices and prospective revenue streams.

Mrs. Harris has, remarkably, become the mayor's top target. Ahead of Bruce Kraus, whose mere existence bothers the Ravenstahl camp, even before he illuminates and fights the deadly but profitable cesspool created by South Side saloons. Ahead of Patrick Dowd, who not so long ago was standing on street corners (right), yelling about the mayor's corruption and failures.

Beyond schoolyard taunts, Mrs. Harris is challenged by two pursuers of the Democratic endorsement.

Vince Pallus (left) brings a career-and-education resume fit for class recording secretary. He pledges to correct "poor decisions;" we are willing to wager, however, that Mr. Pallus could not identify, let alone analyze, Pittsburgh's public policy issues with a pistol at his forehead. He did, however, attend North Catholic with Luke Ravenstahl.

Bobby Wilson (right), the other challenger, is a twenty-something son of a Democratic committee member; like Adam Ravenstahl, he has been an "analyst" on UPMC's payroll. He also has a Facebook page. His political affiliations have yet to be publicly identified.

Kevin Quigley, an aggressive mayoral ally from the Public Works Department -- the Harvard-Kennedy School of Government for one traditional element of Pittsburgh politics -- is a North Side ward chair, rustling committee votes in an effort to deny Mrs. Harris the Democratic endorsement. In a district that elected Adam Ravenstahl to the Pennsylania General Assembly, no unqualified, underaged, politically connected candidate can be dismissed. But the Ravenstahl forces appear to have been hobbled by a late start -- they apparently switched from Kraus and Dowd to Harris because of a late-breaking perception she was more vulnerable -- and Pallus and Wilson are weak even by North Side standards. Even without the party endorsement, Mrs. Harris seems positioned for reelection.

Darlene Harris deserves another term as InsolvenCity's District 1 councilor. She takes the Infindorsement into the primary.

Infindorsement: Darlene Harris
Infinonytune: North Country Girl, Pete Townshend

The List-Makers: Scenes From The Mayor's SUV And An Abandoned Warehouse In The Strip District

[Editor's Note: The Department of Homeland Security, surveilling an ostensibly abandoned Strip District warehouse while conducting a vital national security mission concerning unlicensed Penguins hoodies, unexpectedly recorded a New Year's Day meeting. An Infinformant within DHS provided a transcript, which is supplemented here by a routine FBI recording from within a city-issued SUV:]

Federal Bureau of Investigation Transcript, January 1, 2011, 4:43 p.m., City of Pittsburgh vehicle Hound One (Operation Mamaluke):
Target 1: Hey, wait ... shouldn’t you have made the left back there?
Driver (distractedly): What?
Target 1: The left ... hey, you should have gone left back there ... we need to turn around. The South Side, it's the other way, it’s behind us.
Driver: South what?
Target 1: South Side, Carson Street ...
Driver: You didn’t say South Side, Mr. Mayor.
Target 1 (incredulously): Since when do I have to say it?
Driver: Oh, uh, well, this time I thought we was headed to the Strip ...
Target 2: Strip? What are you, kidding, the Strip? That’s so 1995. I’m not sure Metropol is even open any more. Nah, you’re taking both of us to Diesel, then dropping me off at home, then heading back to Diesel for Luke .
Target 1: What do you mean, home? I thought you were coming out with me tonight, Yarone. (smiling) There's plenty of tail for both of us.
Target 2: No ... what? Who told you that? I thought you wanted me to stop by with you, just for a minute, to talk to Adam about that new place of his, then ...
Target 1: Why ... Adam got a problem? I thought I told you to take care of that thing with ...
Target 2: Hold on. (to driver:) Where are we going?
Driver: Right up here, on the left.
Target 2: Where? There’s nothing there.
Driver: Uh, I think it’s where you’re gonna meet that guy. He got a new place over here, a new club or something he's doin'. I don’t know. I’m just doing what I was told.
Target 1 (to Target 2): I thought I told you to take care of that thing for Adam.
Target 2: Yeah, well, Kraus is still busting his balls over that liquor license.
Target 1: I thought Danny was taking care of that license thing. Christ, you’d think that was the one thing the guy could handle.
Target 2: Yeah, well, not that easy, at least so far, but I think it’s gonna work out.
Target 1: You think? It’s gonna? (shakes head) What’s that the Justice always asks you?
Target 2 (uneasily): What? What do you mean?
Target 1: You know, that question he always asks you. Every time.
Target 2 (unconvincingly): I don’t know ... what? A question? What?
Driver: He says, “Remind me again why we keep you around?”
Target 1 (laughing): Yeah, that’s it, he says “Hey, Yarone, remind me again why we ... ” (stops laughing, turns toward driver) Hey, how come you know what he says? When we meet with the Justice, you always wait outside.”
Driver (scrambling): I don’t know, I mean . . . um, you’re right, how would I know? You musta told me about it.
Target 1 (puzzled, but just for a moment): OK, yeah, I must have told you.
Driver: Right. OK. We’re here.
Target 2: What? Where? There’s nothing here.
Driver (pointing out window, toward dark building): There.
Target 1: What there? What? It’s abandoned, for chrissake.
Target 2 (looking around): I think the URA owns this whole block.
Driver: Yeah, this is the place. I think it’s, like, another new place that guy Adam is involved in. I mean, it sure looks like a shithole, but that guy seems to know what the kids like. (looks up and down street) Hey, look, boss, uh, maybe I should walk you guys in ... you know, just ‘til we’re sure this is the place, make sure you get where you need to go.
Target 2 (warily): OK, but ...
Target 1 (opening vehicle door): C’mon, let’s go. I'm thirsty.

Homeland Security Transcript, Operation Protect Our Freedom, January 1, 2011, 4:51 p.m., abandoned warehouse (owner: Urban Redevelopment Authority of Pittsburgh):

Luke (as the three enter the building and follow a darkened hallway, moving toward a lit doorway) Hurry up, I’m thirsty.
Yarone (entering the room, finding it nearly empty): Wait a second, Luke, this ... this isn’t right ...
Luke (turning toward driver, who entered room behind Luke and Yarone): Yeah, you sure you got ... (notices that driver is no longer behind them, just as door closes and lock clicks) ... hey, what the hell?
Yarone (trying door): It’s locked, Luke.
Luke: You got the key?
Yarone: What? Why the hell would I have a key?
Luke: Well, when you said URA, I thought ... OK, that’s it, wait ‘til I get ahold of Mike. This is the last time this jackass drives me anywhere.
Yarone: Forget that, Luke, look around. (surveying a room with a couple of chairs and a table in the center of the room, a couple of burlap sacks in the corner, and a speakerphone in the middle of the table) Nobody here. What the ...
Voice 1 (from speakerphone): Good evening, gentlemen.
Yarone: What? Who is that? Who the hell are you?
Voice 2: (aggressively) Told you already! Do not speak to my father that way, you cliptipped little ... you’re lucky I ain’t there, swear to God!
Voice 1: That’s enough, son.
Voice 2: (chastened) Yeah, well. (louder) You two’s in enough trouble already, so ...
Voice 1: I said “enough,” son.
Voice 2: OK, Pop.
Yarone (as situation clarifies in his head): Hey, hello, sir, I mean, Mr. Justice, sir, I mean, Justice Z ...
Voice 3: Hey! Whoa! Pazzo!
Voice 2: No names, Smithers! No goddamn names! Pazzo! You nuts?
Luke (brightening): That you, Your Justice, sir? Hi, this is Luke!
Voice 2 (whispering): Mamaluke is more like it.
Voice 4 (whispering): Freakin’ moron. Told you we should have gone with Shields.
Voice 2: We get it, for the hundredth time. We know already. You were right. Kid’s a putz. Move on. For chrissake, for once can you just let that one go ...
Voice 1: (clears throat loudly)
Voice 2: OK, Pop. Sorry.
Luke: Sure, sure, no names. It’s just that you’re usually so picky about what we call you ...
Voice 5: Che cazzo! Fifty says this putz doesn’t make it through five minutes before Pop ...
Voice 3: Make it a hundred and you got ...
Voice 1 (sternly): That’s enough. (more evenly:) Luke, I . . .
Luke: Hey, sir, it’s really good to talk with you, ‘cause, you know, I been thinking about you the last couple of days, I been thinking, “Man, I sure wouldn’t want to be any of those council guys who fouled up that whole parking deal. You know, like, I was, like, “Good thing it was them that messed it up and not me,” because I know how you ...
Voice 5: Make it five hundred. And two minutes.
Voice 6: I’ll take a grand of that, too. Two minutes.
Voice 3: Nope, no bets. No bets. Not on this mamaluke! All bets are off.
Voice 1: Silence! (silence) Now, if we might proceed with our business. Gentlemen, please have a seat. Luke, I want you to focus very carefully on my questions and your answers. I need precision, and I need the truth. You need these things, too, Luke. Do you understand?
Luke: Um ... do I? I mean, I do.
Voice 1: Now, Luke, we all have watched with great disappointment as the parking transaction has, well, it has not gone as expected, nor as you were instructed.
Yarone: Yes, sir, but, sir, if I might ...
Voice 2 (whispering): Smithers ... coglione ...
Voice 1: Yarone? Well, young man, I was not ready to address you yet, but now that we are speaking, I must tell you that you, you in particular, because you seemed to have at least some intelligence, you have greatly disappointed me.
Voice 2: (whispering) Here it comes ...
Voice 1: Remind me again what your purpose is here?
Everyone except Voice 1 and Yarone: (snickering)
Voice 2 (to voice 4): You owe me a hundred.
Yarone (stunned by Luke’s snickering): Well, sir, I, uh, of course, what I ...
Voice 1: Rhetorical question, you putz!
Everyone except Yarone: (laughter)
Voice 2 (to voice 4): Two hundred.
Voice 1 (enjoying humor): All right, all right, that’s enough. Now, Luke, as I have asked myself, how could this happen? And as I have inquired of others, why did this happen? . . . something especially disturbing has come to my attention this afternoon.
Luke: This afternoon? Wasn't me. I didn't do nothing. I was barely in the office, 15 minutes tops, ask anybody, I'm never there for more than ...
Voice 1: Focus on listening, Luke. I have been informed that when representatives of our associates indicated that they wished to speak with council members, to ensure that our business would proceed smoothly, I am told that you told them it wasn’t necessary. You assured them that council would vote to approve our transaction, that five votes were ... (quietly:) What was that he said?
Voice 2: The doughboy said it was "in the bag," Pop. Exact words. (chuckling:) While he could still talk.
Voice 1: Oh, yes, "in the bag." They were told it was "in the bag." Said you had it “under control.” Indeed, I have been informed, you actually forbade them to speak with any member of council other than Mr. ... son, who’s that ... the preacher ... you know, Jeff Thomas’ guy ...
Voice 3: Reverend Burgess, Pop?
Voice 1: Yes, yes, Reverend Burgess.
Luke (beginning to understand the situation): Look, if that Mr. Lazerowski guy told you I said any of those things, anything like that, I wish he was here right now, because I'd straighten this out, tell him to his face he’s a lying sack of ...
Yarone: (nudging Luke, after noticing that one of the burlap sacks is moving slightly) Shhhh!
Voice 1: You were saying, Luke?
Luke (staring at burlap bag): Well, um, sir, I was saying that, um ... I was ... can you repeat the question?
Voice 2: What? You think this is some kind of joke? You don’t think I’ll come down there myself and ...
Voice 1: Please, son, I am ... this is important, it is essential that I understand what these gentlemen have to say for themselves, and I am sure that they want me to understand what happened. Am I correct, Luke?
Luke: Oh, yeah. Um, well, I can’t recall exactly, it was sort of a long time ago, and you know, being mayor and all, I have a lot of ...
Voice 1: Stop now, Luke. You remember when I told you I needed the truth?
Luke: Yes, your hon ... I mean, yes, sir. Sir, I remember, sir. I mean, I don’t remember about that stuff you said they said, but I certainly remember that you ...
Voice 1: Until you lie to me, Luke, we might be able to work together to resolve our problems. (sternly:) But if you lie to me, Luke, especially as I sit here with my family, my associates . . . surely you understand how that would change things between us.
Luke: I do?
Voice 1: If you tell me you do not remember, when you do remember, that would be a lie. As I told you, Luke, focus: Did you, or did you not, assure our associates that you had the situation under control, that the votes were certain, that they should not speak with members of council?
Luke: Sir, I ... I ... I ... (stops as muffled sound emerges from burlap sack)
Voice 1: Mr. Lazowski seems to recall quite vividly what was said. Would you like me to invite him to join our conversation, Luke? Maybe then we could get to the bottom of this.
Yarone: What Luke is saying, sir, is that we will do whatever we can, whatever you think is best, to try to ...
Voice 1: To what?
Yarone: To try to ...
Voice 1: To what?
Yarone: To try to ...
Voice 2: Hey, you freakin’ moron, don’t you get it? We ain't interested in ...
Voice 1: I will handle this, son. Gentlemen, we are no longer interesting in your “trying” to do anything. You should not be interested in “try.” You should longer even use the term. You must do. Not try. Do. You must deliver. You must conclude the transaction as agreed. That is all I ask, but I am insistent on this point.
Yarone: Well, strictly speaking, sir, we never agreed ... I mean, we never guaranteed ... I mean, I understand that you might ...
Voice 1: No, young man, I am confident that you do not understand. I do not hold you entirely responsible for what has occurred. It is for that reason that Mr. Lazowski and Mr. Verbanac have joined you this evening.
Luke and Yarone: (silence, as they observe both burlap sacks wriggling slightly)
Voice 1: But at this moment you must focus on yourselves, gentlemen, your personal responsibility. Because you will be most assuredly be held responsible for what occurs next . . . . finally responsible, gentlemen. Now do you understand?
Luke and Yarone: (silence, still staring at burlap bags, noticing wet, dark stains)
Voice 2: Hey, he asked you a question! Do you understand?
Luke and Yarone: (silence)
Voice 4: I think that’s dipshit for “yeah, they finally get it.”
Luke (voice quivering): Well, um, what is it we can ... what do you want us to do? I mean, how can we ... what should we ...
Voice 3: What do you think this is, scemo, you think you're back in class, Taking Care of Business 101?
Voice 2: We ain't here to tell you anything other than “get it done.” How it gets done, that's your problem.
Voice 1: The important thing, gentlemen, for us and for you, is the result. That is the message for today. Now, I think you should take some time to ...
Voice 2: Count your blessings, you pieces of ...
Voice 1 (sternly): As I was saying, you should take this time to confer with Mr. Lazowski and Mr. Verbanac, and focus very clearly on the task at hand ...
Yarone: You want, uh, should we get them out of those ...
Voice 2: No, pazzo, we want you to just freakin’ sit there and wait for them to chew through those knots with their teeth ... oh wait, they’re gagged ... or maybe just sit there while they untie themselves with the hands they got bound behind their freakin’ backs ... (louder) yes, you morons, you should untie them, ‘cause you ain’t got all day, and it’s gonna be pretty freakin’ difficult to have a productive conversation with a couple of guys with freakin’ rags stuffed in their mouths! (quietly:) Pop, please, I beg of you, when it’s time, please, I wanna be the one who gets to ...
Voice 1: This would be a good time to make them more comfortable, and to begin to determine how you are going to make this right. Your driver will be back in one hour to ...
Voice 3: And don’t you let us hear another word about you calling Mike, or anybody else, or trying to make any kinda move on your driver. Not one word. That guy will be your driver until we decide he ain’t. You got that?
Luke: Well, he only works five days, so what about the other ...
Voice 3: If he doesn’t drive, you go nowhere. Not ‘til this is done.
Voice 4 (quietly): Yeah, there goes Luke’s seven-day workweek.
Everyone except Luke and Yarone: (laughter)
Voice 1: OK, that’s enough. The driver will be there in an hour.
Yarone: Sir, uh ... when should we ... what about the deadline? The statute expressly stated that December 31st was ... I mean, I think ...
Voice 1: Again with the trying and the thinking from these two. (sternly:) No trying. No thinking. I will handle the legislature. And the unions. (as a question:) The oversight board?
Voice 7: Already taken care of, sir. It’s like I never left.
Voice 1: Excellent. So the legislature and the oversight are covered. So you need to focus only on getting the transaction done.
Voice 3: And that means a closing ... professional fees, placement agent fees, commissions, and everything else due and payable. I can see your dopey look from here, Luke, so we’ll let Yarone, Mr. Reed Smith there, explain the legalities to you. You just make sure the deal closes and everybody gets paid.
Voice 2: Plus, every one of our people in the deal has to stay in the deal, going forward. Got that?
Yarone: Yes, we understand, but, still, when does this need to get done by?
Voice 1: I am not here to speak of dates or times, or hows or whys. The time for trying, or thinking, is over. I will monitor this situation closely, and I am sure you will do your best, and maintain your focus, and so for now all I ask is that you accomplish our transaction. Now, if necessary, we could have another meeting ...
Voice 2: Trust me, you guys don’t want another meeting ...
Voice 4: Not unless it involves champagne and a bunch of wire transfers ...
Voice 1: Gentlemen, I want to hear from each of you, so we have no more misunderstandings: Do you understand what you must do, and that you must do it soon?
Luke: Yes, sir.
Yarone: Yes, sir.
Voice 1: Fine. I was hoping I could count on you. Now, start to work ... I am sure your friends there in the room with you are as eager as you are to start the discussion.
Voice 2: Knife’s taped under the table, to cut 'em loose. There’s some Band-Aids there, too.
Voice 1: Goodbye, gentlemen. Until our next meeting.

The Credibility-Bereft Life Of Joanna Doven

The Post-Gazette's persuasive recounting of a series of politically tinged InsolvenCity board departures is accompanied by mayoral mouthpiece Joanna Doven's (right) reflexive denial that the Ravenstahl administration removes appointees for retribution . . . and, given the plausible deniability in most such contexts, it nearly worked.

But Debbie Lestitian (left)? Not a political rubout?

Ms. Doven knew when she said it that she could never peddle that tripe even at a table occupied by Rev. Ricky Burgess, John Verbanac, Adam Ravenstahl and a random, giggling blonde at Jimmie D's.

Unsolicited Advice Series: Alan Lazowski

After learning the hard (and costly) way that selecting Luke Ravenstahl and Ricky Burgess to shepherd the Not-So-Great InsolvenCity Parking Garage Sale through city council was spectacularly bad advice, LAZ Parking's Alan Lazowski (left) and his transaction team turned to another emissary in his effort to cultivate support among city councilors: Dr. Patrick Dowd.

It is difficult to determine which local lubricators have been advising the out-of-town privateers -- whatever happened to the promised transparency concerning the lobbyists and financial participants? -- but know this, Mr. Lazowski: Whoever they are, they obviously hate you.

Unsolicited Advice Series: LAZ Parking

Gentlemen:

If you wish to induce InsolvenCity councilors to consider (let alone approve) any revised form of parking asset lease, refrain from enlisting Rev. Ricky Burgess as a co-sponsor of the associated council bill. Also, try to avoid circumstances in which councilors in the to-be-persuaded category learn of the proposal by reading a newspaper.

The fee for this indispensable advice is a bargain: One-tenth of whatever you're paying the local geniuses who guided your interactions with the mayor and council so far. Please use e-mail (center column) to indicate where to send the Infinvoice.

Mayor Invites Councilors To Meeting That Should Be Very Informational (Or Exceptionally Brief)

Mayor Ravenstahl -- emulating a typical eight-year-old in moving rapidly and without explanation from 'I won't waste another minute on parking and pension issues (because there is nothing to talk about other that preparation for state takeover)' to 'I want to talk about parking and pension issues' -- has invited members of council to discuss those issues on councilors' turf, beginning at 1 p.m. Monday.

The mayor's interest in evenhanded analysis or collaboration seems slight -- his invitation referred to the plan that interests council as "irresponsible," and launched rhetoric about lack of "public process" despite a series of council-conducted public meetings -- but council members should attend the mayor's proposed meeting . . . and begin it with a request for immediate and comprehensive identification of prospective privateers, from lobbyists to placement agents, from legal advisors to accountants, from local investors to would-be employees, from vendors to anyone in line for a commission or fee. (In other words, council should express solidarity with the mayor's insistence on a "public process." It also wouldn't hurt for one or two council representatives to contact the other bidder, and perhaps one or two qualified entities that refrained from bidding, before participating in the "showdown.")

Without those disclosures, or the mayor's agreement to abandon the privateering expedition and work toward arrangement of a bond transaction, council members should conclude the meeting by 1:05 (enabling Rev. Burgess and the mayor to conduct a private strategy session). If council members do not fear state oversight of InsolvenCity's pension funds, there is no reason to fear a mayoral decision to take his deflated ball to his side of the fifth floor.

Infinonytune: Welcome To The Working Week, Elvis Costello and the Imposters

Insiders Say No City Councilor Refused To Lend Colleagues A Hand On Pension Data Subpoena

A mayor-side source continues to deny it, but uniform council-side reports indicate that no member of Pittsburgh City Council declined to sign the subpoena directing InsolvenCity administrators to deliver pension data to state officials.

Councilors Smith, Burgess and Dowd reportedly were not in the City-County Building when a staffer circulated the subpoena documentation for signatures; six signatures were adjudged adequate, so the subpoena was issued without waiting for absent councilors.

Rev. Burgess has all but confirmed that he was not asked to provide a signature -- by circulating a blistering e-mail among his colleagues, objecting to his lack of an opportunity to sign consider signing the subpoena authorization.

City-Council Building custodians continue to scrape eyebrows from fifth-floor ceilings consequent to Daniel Lavelle's decision to authorize the subpoena; the extent of Lavelle's departure from lock-step mayoral companionship will be further illuminated Wednesday, when council members begin to vote with respect to the Suddenly-Not-So-Great InsolvenCity Parking Garage Sale.

Where Are The Two Votes Separating The Skimmers From A Billion Dollar Leechfest?

As of today, the available evidence indicates that three -- of an ostensibly required five -- city councilors intend to vote for the Great InsolvenCity Parking Garage Sale.

The three in-the-bag councilors -- Lavelle, Smith, Burgess -- have little to no influence over their colleagues. (Patrick Dowd has exhibited minor, tentative movement toward an alliance with Rev. Burgess with respect to certain issues but evinces no respect for Rev. Burgess' thinking or position on the parking transaction.)

That leaves three potential persuaders -- the mayor's office, the privateers and the public -- and six candidates for two votes. Four members of council -- Shields, Peduto, Kraus and Rudiak -- dislike or despise the mayor, for varying reasons and in varying degree. Patrick Dowd has moved from shouting details of the mayor's corruption on streetcorners to merely thinking the mayor a dullard controlled by objectionable puppeteers. Council President Darlene Harris doesn't dislike the mayor but is a fan of neither the mayor nor the proposed transaction.

Several councilors have been angered by the city administration's failure to seek an accommodation from Harrisburg that would enable the city to defuse the "it may be ugly, but it's the last chance to avert doomsday" deadline that appears to be the bulk of the privateers' argument. Several people -- in Pittsburgh and Harrisburg -- have expressed astonishment that a plea from InsolvenCity for reprieve was not advanced during Tuesday's legislative caucus meetings in Harrisburg. Pile that focused anger atop the general (and deserved) disdain for the Ravenstahl administration and it becomes difficult to see Luke or Yarone or John or Bill or anyone else persuading any councilor to vote to unleash parking hell.

As more details of the winning bid -- how rules were bent, which List-Makers are involved in lobbying and skimming -- emerge, the privateers are likely to become even less attractive to the skeptical councilors.

Public voices? City residents are demonstrably incapable of recognizing a logical argument, let alone advancing one, and emerging evidence that the Post-Gazette takes advice from a cog in the parking deal wheel should render the editorial page even more impotent than usual.

How, then, do the privateers secure the Dowd and Harris votes?

If an answer exists -- a seemingly big "if" -- it likely begins with a dollar sign.

Infinonytune: Have A Cigar, Roger Waters
Infinonytune: Money, Pink Floyd

NEWS FLASH: A Day That Shall Live In Infamy (At Least At Corner Of Grant St. & InsolvenCity)

The List-Makers have dropped the big one on any semblance of InsolvenCity Council independence.

Someone should check which bunkers Dr. Dowd and Council President Harris are currently occupying . . . and when they entered them. (Councilors Burgess, Lavelle and Smith were, no doubt, "lucky" enough to be far from the point of detonation at the appointed hour.)

The Post-Gazette should have the details shortly.

This development indicates the List-Makers believe they possess the votes to seal the deal with respect to the ultimate garage sale.

UPDATE: Post-Gazette; Tribune-Review.

Ricky Still Loves Lukey (Not That There's Necessarily Anything Wrong With That)

InsolvenCity councilor Ricky Burgess appears to be drawn to the extremes of the love-hate continuum.

For example, Rev. Burgess shuns proximity -- even figurative proximity -- with respect to some people.

An Infinonyfan notes that a recent advertisement (page 15) in a local publication endorsing "respect and tolerance" features the photographs of Pittsburgh's city council members -- with the singular exception of Rev. Burgess, who reportedly did not authorize reproduction of his likeness in Pittsburgh Pride, a publication commemorating a weeklong event (beginning tomorrow) for gay and lesbians.

Rev. Ricky has no problems with closeness, however, when Luke Ravenstahl is involved.

The latest episode of "Ricky Loves Lukey" featured a familiar but nonetheless entertaining storyline: When city council's other members debated spending less than one percent of a proposed transaction's cost to commission a study of whether that transaction makes sense, Rev. Burgess launched an animated overreaction, accusing his colleagues of using a "slush fund" to finance an "insincere" plot to derail his boss's mayor's plan to conduct a public parking garage sale without effective oversight along an inappropriately hurried timetable.

Public figures who stridently shun homosexuality have been revealed with remarkable frequency to have been motivated not by bigotry but instead by a desire to conceal their own orientation. Constituents and colleagues therefore might monitor Rev. Burgess' curiously bipolar relationships with his gay constituents and his boy mayor in hopes of discovering that his position with respect to gays is motivated by something other than bigotry -- not that there would be anything wrong with that.

Infinonytune: I Love Lucy theme, Desi Arnaz orchestra
Infinonytune: When The Whip Comes Down, The Rolling Stones

Mini-Rave Episode II: The Empire Talks Smack

The city desk must write editorials on holidays.

Burgess ... Lavelle ... Smith ... where are Mini-Rave's other two votes?

Is Rev. Burgess Too Far Into Trees To Be Heard?

If a certain Pittsburgh city councilor makes a potentially worthwhile point in council chambers, does it make an audible sound?

Or is the volume of "I Love Lukey" reruns too loud?