Infindorsement: InsolvenCity Council District 9

InsolvenCity's 9th council district is a collection of desolate neighborhoods -- Lincoln-Lemington, Homewood, East Hills, Garfield -- that need and deserve better than the status quo.

Despite a background that would seem to predict strong advocacy of social justice, Rev. Ricky Burgess devoted his initial council term to citywide (and mayorally tinged) politics rather than to providing desperately required assistance to his district. Recently, Rev. Burgess has become a transparent, predictable and divisive lapdog for interests that are entirely unrelated to his district's needs.

On the other hand, every political force -- including the better elements of InsolvenCity's current council -- should have a foil, and Rev. Burgess has been a dependable (if merely reflexive) counterweight to the Peduto-Kraus-Dowd-Harris-Rudiak-Shields coalition.

Two challengers, hoping the mayor's money and influence might be overcome by indigenous effort within the 9th district, seek the Democratic endorsement today. Lucille Prater-Holliday (left) presents an impressive resume from the schools of hard knocks and community-mindedness. Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell appears to be a politically inexperienced but well-intentioned citizen candidate.

It is tempting to root for Rev. Burgess' tumble consequent to his cynical (and often bigoted) contributions to citywide politics, but that would ignore the most important issue for district 9 -- its local needs. The real reason to support Lucille Prater-Holliday (left) is found along Lincoln and Penn avenues rather than on Grant Street. Rev. Burgess could toss a few mayorally dispensed crumbs to his district, but East Hills and Lincoln-Larimer and Homewood would be better served by a council member focused on, and genuinely devoted to, street-level concerns.

This is a closer call than one might expect from Infinonymous' observations and reports of Rev. Burgess' performance as a member of council (and Rev. Burgess' bigotry). The Infindorsement belongs to Lucille Prater-Holliday.

Infindorsement: Lucille Prater-Holliday
Infinonytune: Living For The City, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles

Ricky Still Loves Lukey (Not That There's Necessarily Anything Wrong With That)

InsolvenCity councilor Ricky Burgess appears to be drawn to the extremes of the love-hate continuum.

For example, Rev. Burgess shuns proximity -- even figurative proximity -- with respect to some people.

An Infinonyfan notes that a recent advertisement (page 15) in a local publication endorsing "respect and tolerance" features the photographs of Pittsburgh's city council members -- with the singular exception of Rev. Burgess, who reportedly did not authorize reproduction of his likeness in Pittsburgh Pride, a publication commemorating a weeklong event (beginning tomorrow) for gay and lesbians.

Rev. Ricky has no problems with closeness, however, when Luke Ravenstahl is involved.

The latest episode of "Ricky Loves Lukey" featured a familiar but nonetheless entertaining storyline: When city council's other members debated spending less than one percent of a proposed transaction's cost to commission a study of whether that transaction makes sense, Rev. Burgess launched an animated overreaction, accusing his colleagues of using a "slush fund" to finance an "insincere" plot to derail his boss's mayor's plan to conduct a public parking garage sale without effective oversight along an inappropriately hurried timetable.

Public figures who stridently shun homosexuality have been revealed with remarkable frequency to have been motivated not by bigotry but instead by a desire to conceal their own orientation. Constituents and colleagues therefore might monitor Rev. Burgess' curiously bipolar relationships with his gay constituents and his boy mayor in hopes of discovering that his position with respect to gays is motivated by something other than bigotry -- not that there would be anything wrong with that.

Infinonytune: I Love Lucy theme, Desi Arnaz orchestra
Infinonytune: When The Whip Comes Down, The Rolling Stones

Ricky: I Love Lukey

City council member Rev. Ricky Burgess has confirmed his desire to be Luke's bitch president of Pittsburgh's City Council. The Propositions Board (far right column) is leaning toward paying Burgess tickets in the "Motznik's Successor As Luke's BFF On Council" category.

Rev. Burgess (left, with a couple of sketchy characters, plus that guy at the podium) says that, because Ravenstahl was elected by a "vast majority" of Pittsburghers, Rev. Burgess is ready to "move the city forward" through collaboration with the mayor.

I suppose a reverend, by definition, must believe in fairy tales -- but are divinity schools not permitted to teach math?

P.S. A fascinating (non-scandalous) rumor is circulating along Grant Street about that guy next to Rev. "Ricky Loves Lukey." Should have more in a day or two.

P.P.S. Could this be the type of progess that causes Rev. Burgess to propose turning council into a "Ricky Loves Lukey" show?

Will City Council Promote "Ricky Loves Lukey"?

No -- at least not unless several people are lying.

After fresh research (in response to skepticism from the Comet), the Propositions Board line on Burgess for Pittsburgh council president remains 50-1. The polarization concerning and instigated by the mayor's office, coupled with Rev. Burgess' recent fealty to the mayor, appears to deny Rev. Burgess at least five votes. Even by Pittsburgh pension math, that's underfunded.

The line on council's handling of the tuition tax proposal has narrowed, to 1-1.

The epic 'could I look any dumber or any more disingenuous' display by county toadie Tim Johnson WTAE report on "sabotage" in the county assessment office (spotlighted by the Comet) keeps the "county in contempt on assessments" line in play, although the deadline has moved into spring. (Related: As pathetic as Johnson's performance is, the Post-Gazette's handling of this story may be worse.)

Ricky Loves Lukey, So The List-Makers Love Ricky

The Slaggers report that Rev. Ricky V. Burgess has attracted somewhat surprising support in his bid for re-election in InsolvenCity's ninth council district: Checks from a trio of List-Makers.

(What would be most surprising would be evidence that high-living cream-skimmers such as Charles Zappala, John Verbanac and Bill Lieberman have developed any interest in the well-being of citizens of Homewood, but we are confident that one can be dismissed.)

Somewhat surprising is the appearance of Republican insider Lieberman on an inner-city black Democratic candidate's campaign finance report. More surprising is the discovery of Mr. Verbanac's fingerprints signature on a check donated to any candidate.

The explanation is obvious: Ricky Loves Lukey. And the parking privateers continue to intend hope to ride Lukey and Ricky to a huge payday.

The antidote would be a strong primary challenger to Rev. Burgess, who was denied the Democratic Party endorsement. Instead, however, InsolvenCity's dysfunctional Democratic Party has produced the weak incumbent's prayer -- two relatively lame challengers, to split the anti-incumbent vote. The challengers' campaigns are compounding their original mistake by devoting their time and attention to juvenile carping at one another rather than to developing a credible, effective challenge to Rev. Burgess.

Infytune: I Love Lucy Theme, Desi Arnaz Orchestra

Who Is Trying To Strangle Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell's Candidacy For InsolvenCity Council -- And Why?

Unless there is a huge goggle-napping spree underway at Somerset County ski areas, or Teresa Heinz-Kerry has been spotted ignoring a stray kitten along a Ligonier boulevard, the Post-Gazette and/or the Tribune-Review should currently be connecting (or at least collecting) dots concerning the strange story of Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell.

Ms. Copeland-Mitchell (left) works worked for Program For Offenders, a relatively small social services organization funded by government (and represented, at least with respect to its dealings with Copeland-Miller, by a lawyer from one of the world's largest law firms).

Mildly vague early reports suggest Ms. Copeland-Mitchell was compelled by her employer to take leave from her job after she challenged Rev. Ricky Burgess for the Democratic endorsement for InsolvenCity's District 1 council position, then was informed that if she did not abandon her campaign by Sunday (the day on which she was endorsed over Burgess) her continued candidacy would be deemed to constitute a resignation.

Why did Program For Offenders attempt to strangle an employee's candidacy? Who control's Program For Offenders' government funding? Who are Program For Offenders' directors and officers?

If Rev. Burgess is handling four jobs -- preacher, teacher, council member and candidate -- why does Program For Offenders conclude that Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell could not work while standing for election?

UPDATE: Regardless of petty ski gear heists or juvenile taunts of the Kerrys, this might be a job for the City Paper.

Infinonytune: Da Doo Ron Ron, The Crystals

Where Are The Two Votes Separating The Skimmers From A Billion Dollar Leechfest?

As of today, the available evidence indicates that three -- of an ostensibly required five -- city councilors intend to vote for the Great InsolvenCity Parking Garage Sale.

The three in-the-bag councilors -- Lavelle, Smith, Burgess -- have little to no influence over their colleagues. (Patrick Dowd has exhibited minor, tentative movement toward an alliance with Rev. Burgess with respect to certain issues but evinces no respect for Rev. Burgess' thinking or position on the parking transaction.)

That leaves three potential persuaders -- the mayor's office, the privateers and the public -- and six candidates for two votes. Four members of council -- Shields, Peduto, Kraus and Rudiak -- dislike or despise the mayor, for varying reasons and in varying degree. Patrick Dowd has moved from shouting details of the mayor's corruption on streetcorners to merely thinking the mayor a dullard controlled by objectionable puppeteers. Council President Darlene Harris doesn't dislike the mayor but is a fan of neither the mayor nor the proposed transaction.

Several councilors have been angered by the city administration's failure to seek an accommodation from Harrisburg that would enable the city to defuse the "it may be ugly, but it's the last chance to avert doomsday" deadline that appears to be the bulk of the privateers' argument. Several people -- in Pittsburgh and Harrisburg -- have expressed astonishment that a plea from InsolvenCity for reprieve was not advanced during Tuesday's legislative caucus meetings in Harrisburg. Pile that focused anger atop the general (and deserved) disdain for the Ravenstahl administration and it becomes difficult to see Luke or Yarone or John or Bill or anyone else persuading any councilor to vote to unleash parking hell.

As more details of the winning bid -- how rules were bent, which List-Makers are involved in lobbying and skimming -- emerge, the privateers are likely to become even less attractive to the skeptical councilors.

Public voices? City residents are demonstrably incapable of recognizing a logical argument, let alone advancing one, and emerging evidence that the Post-Gazette takes advice from a cog in the parking deal wheel should render the editorial page even more impotent than usual.

How, then, do the privateers secure the Dowd and Harris votes?

If an answer exists -- a seemingly big "if" -- it likely begins with a dollar sign.

Infinonytune: Have A Cigar, Roger Waters
Infinonytune: Money, Pink Floyd

Rev. Burgess Opines On Act 47 Procedure

Rev. Ricky V. Burgess, apparently vying for the soon-to-be-vacated Jim Motznik Chair In Advanced Mayoral Fealty, has expressed his legal opinion regarding the approval-disapproval-amendment process associated with the Act 47 plan recently advanced by the Act 47 overseers and currently being fumbled by city officials.

My review of that letter indicates that, as a legal analyst and as a grammarian, Rev. Burgess is probably a fine man of the cloth.

Inscrutable Council Vote On Amended Revised Amended And Revised Act 47 "Plan" : 5-3-1

Bob Mayo's tweetings include this summary of a council vote expressing some sort of approval or something concerning the amended (by council) revised (by the overseers) Act 47 "plan" to kick Pittsburgh's battered can down the road a piece address the City of Pittsburgh's insolvency.

For: Burgess, Harris, Kraus, Smith, Peduto. Against: Dowd, Motznik, Payne. Abstain: Shields.

Burgess for, Motznik against. Smith for, Peduto for. Peduto for, Dowd against. Motznik against, Dowd against. Payne against, Kraus for. Shields neither.

Watching people (including members of council) try to untangle the perplexing strands of this vote should be fascinating, regardless of whether anyone tries to figure out what the hell they were voting on or how it might be expected to influence the city's course.

As Michael Kenney And Associates Take On Water, Burgess And Dowd Reach For Lightsabers

Today's special meeting of Pittsburgh Council concerning the profitability of public-private incest the water authority's "special handling" of an opt-out waterline insurance plan for customers established several points:

First, anyone who believed Patrick Dowd had lost all contact with the Force and succumbed to the Dark Side was mistaken.

Second, anyone who believed Rev. Ricky Burgess' surprising transformation to Sith Lord was not yet complete was mistaken.

Third, the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Authority should enclose a small packet of Vaseline with each bill, at least until a United States Attorney is installed in this district.

Note to Darth Dan Deasy: Jeff Skilling was well-qualified, too. As were Bernard Madoff, Kenneth Lay and Richard Nixon.

Council To Mayor (And Parasites): We Will Do Our Own Research On Parking Deal, Thank You

Pittsburgh city council members (with one exception, apparently) set aside intramural frictions and did the right thing today concerning the threatened long-term parking concession debacle.

When two guys from Morgan Stanley travel by air to warn against snooping around their deal, you know you're on the right track.

Unless the lone "no" vote was cast by someone favoring even more skeptical treatment of the mayor's proposal, that vote will decide the "Motznik's Successor As Mayor's BFF On Council" winner (Propositions Board, far right column).

UPDATE: That was quick. A council member reports that the nay was Rev. Ricky Burgess, and that his motivation was far from skepticism concerning the proposed sell-off. The Propositions Board will be updated to reflect that the favorite has coasted home, making Rev. Burgess, officially, Luke Ravenstahl's new BFF on council and the rightful occupant of the Motznik Advanced Chair In Mayoral Fealty; all relevant lines are CLOSED.

Adjusted Odds On Tuesday's Voting For InsolvenCity Council President, Finance Chair

A series of recent developments -- including a telling vote, a few hushed assignations, and at least one inchoate backstabbing along a fifth-floor hallway at the City-County Building -- incline adjustment of the no-longer-early betting lines for InsolvenCity's council presidency and finance chair, and we have reached the point at which favorites are published in bold type (with former odds in parentheses):

Council president
(1) Darlene Harris: 2-3 (4-1)
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 8-1 (3-1)
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 15-1 (7-2)
(5) Corey O'Connor: 5-1 (12-1)
(6) Daniel Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 99-1 (40-1)
(8) Bill Peduto: 15-1 (25-1)
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Lukefecta (2, 6, 9 vote together): 1-8 (1-3)

Council finance chair
(1) Darlene Harris 40-1 (3-1)
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 15-1 (4-1)
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 15-1 (5-2)
(5) Corey O'Connor: 25-1
(6) Daniel Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 2-1 (40-1)
(8) Bill Peduto: 10-1 (8-1)
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Daily Double (1, 3 in either order): 25-1 (7-2)

Infytune: Waiting On The World To Change, John Mayer
Infytune: This Time It's For Real, Southside Johnny, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, and Little Steven Van Zandt (that makes four, for those who are counting)
Infytune: Five Jive, Elmo

Darlene Harris Channels Red Grange

Darlene Harris, who became Pittsburgh's city council president with strong broken-field running, is showing all the right moves as Pittsburgh's elected officials approach decisions concerning the proposal to hand complete control of downtown parking to politically connected profiteers.

She not only stiff-armed advice ('the last thing you want in a situation like this is information or verification') from the mayor's questionable and seemingly self-interested choice to quarterback the process, but also asked pertinent questions about whose huddle the mayor and his curious new posse belong in.

Rev. Ricky Burgess' lonely objection -- that refusal to swallow the Morgan Stanley/Ravenstahl/[insert name of local fixer] line without reservation could have a "chilling effect" on bids -- necessarily assumes that bidders would be as credulous as is Rev. Burgess, and therefore can be readily dismissed.

Insiders Say No City Councilor Refused To Lend Colleagues A Hand On Pension Data Subpoena

A mayor-side source continues to deny it, but uniform council-side reports indicate that no member of Pittsburgh City Council declined to sign the subpoena directing InsolvenCity administrators to deliver pension data to state officials.

Councilors Smith, Burgess and Dowd reportedly were not in the City-County Building when a staffer circulated the subpoena documentation for signatures; six signatures were adjudged adequate, so the subpoena was issued without waiting for absent councilors.

Rev. Burgess has all but confirmed that he was not asked to provide a signature -- by circulating a blistering e-mail among his colleagues, objecting to his lack of an opportunity to sign consider signing the subpoena authorization.

City-Council Building custodians continue to scrape eyebrows from fifth-floor ceilings consequent to Daniel Lavelle's decision to authorize the subpoena; the extent of Lavelle's departure from lock-step mayoral companionship will be further illuminated Wednesday, when council members begin to vote with respect to the Suddenly-Not-So-Great InsolvenCity Parking Garage Sale.

Early Wagering Lines: InsolvenCity Council Presidency And Finance Committee Chair

The initial line on InsolvenCity's city council presidency:

(1) Darlene Harris: 4-1
(2)Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 3-1
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 7-2
(5) Corey O'Connor: 12-1
(6) Danielle Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 40-1
(8) Bill Peduto: 25-1
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Lukefecta (2, 6, 9 vote together): 1-3

The initial line on InsolvenCity council's finance chair:

(1) Darlene Harris 3-1
(2) Theresa Kail Smith: 40-1
(3) Bruce Kraus: 4-1
(4) Natalia Rudiak: 5-2
(5) Corey O'Connor: 25-1
(6) Danielle Lavelle: 40-1
(7) Patrick Dowd: 40-1
(8) Bill Peduto: 8-1
(9) Ricky Burgess: 40-1
Daily Double (1, 3 in either order): 7-2

Infytune: All The King's Horses, The Monkees

If Dowd Votes For Burgess, Pass The Matches

A commenter has suggested that Pittsburgh city council member Patrick Dowd might vote for Rev. Ricky Burgess in the election of the next council president.

If Dr. Dowd votes for the mayor's toady, it will be time to place InsolvenCity in a paper bag, douse it with lighter fluid, place it on the state's doorstep and ring the doorbell.

Rethinking Theresa Smith's Role On Council

The Reverend Ricky Burgess has pulled ahead of Theresa Smith in the race to replace Jim Motznik in the Motznik Chair In Advanced Mayoral Fealty on Pittsburgh's city council (see Propositions Board, far right column). This unexpected development derives not only from Rev. Burgess' curious performance with respect to the amended revised amended and revised Act 47 "plan," but also from a hunch concerning Ms. Smith. Also surprising is the increasing prospect that Mr. Motznik's sewer boots role as reflexive mayoral lapdog may not be filled next year.

The List-Makers: Scenes From The Mayor's SUV And An Abandoned Warehouse In The Strip District

[Editor's Note: The Department of Homeland Security, surveilling an ostensibly abandoned Strip District warehouse while conducting a vital national security mission concerning unlicensed Penguins hoodies, unexpectedly recorded a New Year's Day meeting. An Infinformant within DHS provided a transcript, which is supplemented here by a routine FBI recording from within a city-issued SUV:]

Federal Bureau of Investigation Transcript, January 1, 2011, 4:43 p.m., City of Pittsburgh vehicle Hound One (Operation Mamaluke):
Target 1: Hey, wait ... shouldn’t you have made the left back there?
Driver (distractedly): What?
Target 1: The left ... hey, you should have gone left back there ... we need to turn around. The South Side, it's the other way, it’s behind us.
Driver: South what?
Target 1: South Side, Carson Street ...
Driver: You didn’t say South Side, Mr. Mayor.
Target 1 (incredulously): Since when do I have to say it?
Driver: Oh, uh, well, this time I thought we was headed to the Strip ...
Target 2: Strip? What are you, kidding, the Strip? That’s so 1995. I’m not sure Metropol is even open any more. Nah, you’re taking both of us to Diesel, then dropping me off at home, then heading back to Diesel for Luke .
Target 1: What do you mean, home? I thought you were coming out with me tonight, Yarone. (smiling) There's plenty of tail for both of us.
Target 2: No ... what? Who told you that? I thought you wanted me to stop by with you, just for a minute, to talk to Adam about that new place of his, then ...
Target 1: Why ... Adam got a problem? I thought I told you to take care of that thing with ...
Target 2: Hold on. (to driver:) Where are we going?
Driver: Right up here, on the left.
Target 2: Where? There’s nothing there.
Driver: Uh, I think it’s where you’re gonna meet that guy. He got a new place over here, a new club or something he's doin'. I don’t know. I’m just doing what I was told.
Target 1 (to Target 2): I thought I told you to take care of that thing for Adam.
Target 2: Yeah, well, Kraus is still busting his balls over that liquor license.
Target 1: I thought Danny was taking care of that license thing. Christ, you’d think that was the one thing the guy could handle.
Target 2: Yeah, well, not that easy, at least so far, but I think it’s gonna work out.
Target 1: You think? It’s gonna? (shakes head) What’s that the Justice always asks you?
Target 2 (uneasily): What? What do you mean?
Target 1: You know, that question he always asks you. Every time.
Target 2 (unconvincingly): I don’t know ... what? A question? What?
Driver: He says, “Remind me again why we keep you around?”
Target 1 (laughing): Yeah, that’s it, he says “Hey, Yarone, remind me again why we ... ” (stops laughing, turns toward driver) Hey, how come you know what he says? When we meet with the Justice, you always wait outside.”
Driver (scrambling): I don’t know, I mean . . . um, you’re right, how would I know? You musta told me about it.
Target 1 (puzzled, but just for a moment): OK, yeah, I must have told you.
Driver: Right. OK. We’re here.
Target 2: What? Where? There’s nothing here.
Driver (pointing out window, toward dark building): There.
Target 1: What there? What? It’s abandoned, for chrissake.
Target 2 (looking around): I think the URA owns this whole block.
Driver: Yeah, this is the place. I think it’s, like, another new place that guy Adam is involved in. I mean, it sure looks like a shithole, but that guy seems to know what the kids like. (looks up and down street) Hey, look, boss, uh, maybe I should walk you guys in ... you know, just ‘til we’re sure this is the place, make sure you get where you need to go.
Target 2 (warily): OK, but ...
Target 1 (opening vehicle door): C’mon, let’s go. I'm thirsty.

Homeland Security Transcript, Operation Protect Our Freedom, January 1, 2011, 4:51 p.m., abandoned warehouse (owner: Urban Redevelopment Authority of Pittsburgh):

Luke (as the three enter the building and follow a darkened hallway, moving toward a lit doorway) Hurry up, I’m thirsty.
Yarone (entering the room, finding it nearly empty): Wait a second, Luke, this ... this isn’t right ...
Luke (turning toward driver, who entered room behind Luke and Yarone): Yeah, you sure you got ... (notices that driver is no longer behind them, just as door closes and lock clicks) ... hey, what the hell?
Yarone (trying door): It’s locked, Luke.
Luke: You got the key?
Yarone: What? Why the hell would I have a key?
Luke: Well, when you said URA, I thought ... OK, that’s it, wait ‘til I get ahold of Mike. This is the last time this jackass drives me anywhere.
Yarone: Forget that, Luke, look around. (surveying a room with a couple of chairs and a table in the center of the room, a couple of burlap sacks in the corner, and a speakerphone in the middle of the table) Nobody here. What the ...
Voice 1 (from speakerphone): Good evening, gentlemen.
Yarone: What? Who is that? Who the hell are you?
Voice 2: (aggressively) Told you already! Do not speak to my father that way, you cliptipped little ... you’re lucky I ain’t there, swear to God!
Voice 1: That’s enough, son.
Voice 2: (chastened) Yeah, well. (louder) You two’s in enough trouble already, so ...
Voice 1: I said “enough,” son.
Voice 2: OK, Pop.
Yarone (as situation clarifies in his head): Hey, hello, sir, I mean, Mr. Justice, sir, I mean, Justice Z ...
Voice 3: Hey! Whoa! Pazzo!
Voice 2: No names, Smithers! No goddamn names! Pazzo! You nuts?
Luke (brightening): That you, Your Justice, sir? Hi, this is Luke!
Voice 2 (whispering): Mamaluke is more like it.
Voice 4 (whispering): Freakin’ moron. Told you we should have gone with Shields.
Voice 2: We get it, for the hundredth time. We know already. You were right. Kid’s a putz. Move on. For chrissake, for once can you just let that one go ...
Voice 1: (clears throat loudly)
Voice 2: OK, Pop. Sorry.
Luke: Sure, sure, no names. It’s just that you’re usually so picky about what we call you ...
Voice 5: Che cazzo! Fifty says this putz doesn’t make it through five minutes before Pop ...
Voice 3: Make it a hundred and you got ...
Voice 1 (sternly): That’s enough. (more evenly:) Luke, I . . .
Luke: Hey, sir, it’s really good to talk with you, ‘cause, you know, I been thinking about you the last couple of days, I been thinking, “Man, I sure wouldn’t want to be any of those council guys who fouled up that whole parking deal. You know, like, I was, like, “Good thing it was them that messed it up and not me,” because I know how you ...
Voice 5: Make it five hundred. And two minutes.
Voice 6: I’ll take a grand of that, too. Two minutes.
Voice 3: Nope, no bets. No bets. Not on this mamaluke! All bets are off.
Voice 1: Silence! (silence) Now, if we might proceed with our business. Gentlemen, please have a seat. Luke, I want you to focus very carefully on my questions and your answers. I need precision, and I need the truth. You need these things, too, Luke. Do you understand?
Luke: Um ... do I? I mean, I do.
Voice 1: Now, Luke, we all have watched with great disappointment as the parking transaction has, well, it has not gone as expected, nor as you were instructed.
Yarone: Yes, sir, but, sir, if I might ...
Voice 2 (whispering): Smithers ... coglione ...
Voice 1: Yarone? Well, young man, I was not ready to address you yet, but now that we are speaking, I must tell you that you, you in particular, because you seemed to have at least some intelligence, you have greatly disappointed me.
Voice 2: (whispering) Here it comes ...
Voice 1: Remind me again what your purpose is here?
Everyone except Voice 1 and Yarone: (snickering)
Voice 2 (to voice 4): You owe me a hundred.
Yarone (stunned by Luke’s snickering): Well, sir, I, uh, of course, what I ...
Voice 1: Rhetorical question, you putz!
Everyone except Yarone: (laughter)
Voice 2 (to voice 4): Two hundred.
Voice 1 (enjoying humor): All right, all right, that’s enough. Now, Luke, as I have asked myself, how could this happen? And as I have inquired of others, why did this happen? . . . something especially disturbing has come to my attention this afternoon.
Luke: This afternoon? Wasn't me. I didn't do nothing. I was barely in the office, 15 minutes tops, ask anybody, I'm never there for more than ...
Voice 1: Focus on listening, Luke. I have been informed that when representatives of our associates indicated that they wished to speak with council members, to ensure that our business would proceed smoothly, I am told that you told them it wasn’t necessary. You assured them that council would vote to approve our transaction, that five votes were ... (quietly:) What was that he said?
Voice 2: The doughboy said it was "in the bag," Pop. Exact words. (chuckling:) While he could still talk.
Voice 1: Oh, yes, "in the bag." They were told it was "in the bag." Said you had it “under control.” Indeed, I have been informed, you actually forbade them to speak with any member of council other than Mr. ... son, who’s that ... the preacher ... you know, Jeff Thomas’ guy ...
Voice 3: Reverend Burgess, Pop?
Voice 1: Yes, yes, Reverend Burgess.
Luke (beginning to understand the situation): Look, if that Mr. Lazerowski guy told you I said any of those things, anything like that, I wish he was here right now, because I'd straighten this out, tell him to his face he’s a lying sack of ...
Yarone: (nudging Luke, after noticing that one of the burlap sacks is moving slightly) Shhhh!
Voice 1: You were saying, Luke?
Luke (staring at burlap bag): Well, um, sir, I was saying that, um ... I was ... can you repeat the question?
Voice 2: What? You think this is some kind of joke? You don’t think I’ll come down there myself and ...
Voice 1: Please, son, I am ... this is important, it is essential that I understand what these gentlemen have to say for themselves, and I am sure that they want me to understand what happened. Am I correct, Luke?
Luke: Oh, yeah. Um, well, I can’t recall exactly, it was sort of a long time ago, and you know, being mayor and all, I have a lot of ...
Voice 1: Stop now, Luke. You remember when I told you I needed the truth?
Luke: Yes, your hon ... I mean, yes, sir. Sir, I remember, sir. I mean, I don’t remember about that stuff you said they said, but I certainly remember that you ...
Voice 1: Until you lie to me, Luke, we might be able to work together to resolve our problems. (sternly:) But if you lie to me, Luke, especially as I sit here with my family, my associates . . . surely you understand how that would change things between us.
Luke: I do?
Voice 1: If you tell me you do not remember, when you do remember, that would be a lie. As I told you, Luke, focus: Did you, or did you not, assure our associates that you had the situation under control, that the votes were certain, that they should not speak with members of council?
Luke: Sir, I ... I ... I ... (stops as muffled sound emerges from burlap sack)
Voice 1: Mr. Lazowski seems to recall quite vividly what was said. Would you like me to invite him to join our conversation, Luke? Maybe then we could get to the bottom of this.
Yarone: What Luke is saying, sir, is that we will do whatever we can, whatever you think is best, to try to ...
Voice 1: To what?
Yarone: To try to ...
Voice 1: To what?
Yarone: To try to ...
Voice 2: Hey, you freakin’ moron, don’t you get it? We ain't interested in ...
Voice 1: I will handle this, son. Gentlemen, we are no longer interesting in your “trying” to do anything. You should not be interested in “try.” You should longer even use the term. You must do. Not try. Do. You must deliver. You must conclude the transaction as agreed. That is all I ask, but I am insistent on this point.
Yarone: Well, strictly speaking, sir, we never agreed ... I mean, we never guaranteed ... I mean, I understand that you might ...
Voice 1: No, young man, I am confident that you do not understand. I do not hold you entirely responsible for what has occurred. It is for that reason that Mr. Lazowski and Mr. Verbanac have joined you this evening.
Luke and Yarone: (silence, as they observe both burlap sacks wriggling slightly)
Voice 1: But at this moment you must focus on yourselves, gentlemen, your personal responsibility. Because you will be most assuredly be held responsible for what occurs next . . . . finally responsible, gentlemen. Now do you understand?
Luke and Yarone: (silence, still staring at burlap bags, noticing wet, dark stains)
Voice 2: Hey, he asked you a question! Do you understand?
Luke and Yarone: (silence)
Voice 4: I think that’s dipshit for “yeah, they finally get it.”
Luke (voice quivering): Well, um, what is it we can ... what do you want us to do? I mean, how can we ... what should we ...
Voice 3: What do you think this is, scemo, you think you're back in class, Taking Care of Business 101?
Voice 2: We ain't here to tell you anything other than “get it done.” How it gets done, that's your problem.
Voice 1: The important thing, gentlemen, for us and for you, is the result. That is the message for today. Now, I think you should take some time to ...
Voice 2: Count your blessings, you pieces of ...
Voice 1 (sternly): As I was saying, you should take this time to confer with Mr. Lazowski and Mr. Verbanac, and focus very clearly on the task at hand ...
Yarone: You want, uh, should we get them out of those ...
Voice 2: No, pazzo, we want you to just freakin’ sit there and wait for them to chew through those knots with their teeth ... oh wait, they’re gagged ... or maybe just sit there while they untie themselves with the hands they got bound behind their freakin’ backs ... (louder) yes, you morons, you should untie them, ‘cause you ain’t got all day, and it’s gonna be pretty freakin’ difficult to have a productive conversation with a couple of guys with freakin’ rags stuffed in their mouths! (quietly:) Pop, please, I beg of you, when it’s time, please, I wanna be the one who gets to ...
Voice 1: This would be a good time to make them more comfortable, and to begin to determine how you are going to make this right. Your driver will be back in one hour to ...
Voice 3: And don’t you let us hear another word about you calling Mike, or anybody else, or trying to make any kinda move on your driver. Not one word. That guy will be your driver until we decide he ain’t. You got that?
Luke: Well, he only works five days, so what about the other ...
Voice 3: If he doesn’t drive, you go nowhere. Not ‘til this is done.
Voice 4 (quietly): Yeah, there goes Luke’s seven-day workweek.
Everyone except Luke and Yarone: (laughter)
Voice 1: OK, that’s enough. The driver will be there in an hour.
Yarone: Sir, uh ... when should we ... what about the deadline? The statute expressly stated that December 31st was ... I mean, I think ...
Voice 1: Again with the trying and the thinking from these two. (sternly:) No trying. No thinking. I will handle the legislature. And the unions. (as a question:) The oversight board?
Voice 7: Already taken care of, sir. It’s like I never left.
Voice 1: Excellent. So the legislature and the oversight are covered. So you need to focus only on getting the transaction done.
Voice 3: And that means a closing ... professional fees, placement agent fees, commissions, and everything else due and payable. I can see your dopey look from here, Luke, so we’ll let Yarone, Mr. Reed Smith there, explain the legalities to you. You just make sure the deal closes and everybody gets paid.
Voice 2: Plus, every one of our people in the deal has to stay in the deal, going forward. Got that?
Yarone: Yes, we understand, but, still, when does this need to get done by?
Voice 1: I am not here to speak of dates or times, or hows or whys. The time for trying, or thinking, is over. I will monitor this situation closely, and I am sure you will do your best, and maintain your focus, and so for now all I ask is that you accomplish our transaction. Now, if necessary, we could have another meeting ...
Voice 2: Trust me, you guys don’t want another meeting ...
Voice 4: Not unless it involves champagne and a bunch of wire transfers ...
Voice 1: Gentlemen, I want to hear from each of you, so we have no more misunderstandings: Do you understand what you must do, and that you must do it soon?
Luke: Yes, sir.
Yarone: Yes, sir.
Voice 1: Fine. I was hoping I could count on you. Now, start to work ... I am sure your friends there in the room with you are as eager as you are to start the discussion.
Voice 2: Knife’s taped under the table, to cut 'em loose. There’s some Band-Aids there, too.
Voice 1: Goodbye, gentlemen. Until our next meeting.

County Democratic Committee Endorses Fitzgerald

Allegheny County Democratic Committee members endorsed Rich Fitzgerald for county executive today by a margin smaller than the Fitzgerald family dinner table (five-vote difference reported).

Chelsa Wagner was endorsed (by a plurality) for county controller.

The City Democratic Committee, a primary driver as InsolvenCity has been steered into a ditch for decades, generally followed its traditional course (the ideal candidate for endorsement would be an illiterate felon employed by the Public Works department and sponsored by an uncle named Costa, Flaherty or Caliguiri) in council endorsements:

District 1: Vince Pallus
District 3: Jeff Koch
District 5: Corey O'Connor
District 7: Tony Ceoffe Jr.
District 9: Phyllis Copeland-Mitchell

City committee members rejected incumbents Darlene Harris (1), Bruce Kraus (3), Patrick Dowd (7) and Ricky Burgess (9); they did not reject incumbent council member Doug Shields (5) for council, because he didn't seek the endorsement; instead, they denied him endorsement for district justice, preferring Hugh McGough.

Mike Marmo and Alex Bicket were endorsed for Common Pleas judge.

The party endorsement doesn't mean as much as it once did (which explains why Pittsburgh has not yet reached the Gary, Indiana, stage of deterioration), and the Mark Patrick Flahertys and Bruce Krauses will withstand today's disappointment and regroup tomorrow, but every endorsed candidate can enjoy the rare good day along the campaign trail today.

UPDATE: Darlene Harris pledges a continued campaign in District 1, as does Chris Zurawsky in District 5.

UPPERDATE: The volume of arrivals at Infinonymity from searches reflects enough interest in endorsement votes to warrant posting results at the Democratic Committee website. (Also: Sorry we don't have information concerning the other endorsements.)

Infinonytune: Fight For Your Right To Party, Coldplay

Recent Propositions Board Activity

The Propositions Board (far right column) states odds on selected events and local, state and national elections.

New to the board: the proposed threatened never-gonna-happen Pittsburgh tuition tax. Anyone who believed the educational institutions would flip a dime the city's way consequent to Luke's threats has already lost; the smart money expects the eggheads to win in court and in the legislature.

Ravensthal indictment lines are unchanged by the separation announcement, and Luke's wife is still quoted as roughly five times more likely to turn state's evidence than Luke's mom is. For betting purposes, the separation is a non-event.

Rev. "Ricky Loves Lukey" Burgess has all but nailed down the "Mayor's next BFF on Council" payoff with a series of obsequious moves, although Theresa Smith is still a longshot and Darlene Harris apparently will do anything if enough asphalt is involved.

Luke announced he (instead of his campaign fund) is paying Richard Sprague, but tickets should be held until someone explains how he could afford it.

Carrie Prejean paid off as the newest social conservative to fall from grace (sex tape), but after reloading the lines she is still a favorite to be revealed anew as a Bible-banging hypocrite.

The G20 fallout is far from finished, but anyone who bet that the "trophy photo" cops would be disciplined was right -- no thanks to anyone in Pittsburgh, of course, because the reprimands were issued in Chicago. A massive lawsuit by a team of big-time lawyers is rumored, so the amounts might change for the lines involving payouts to victims (and lawyers).

Wagers, comments on posted odds and suggestions concerning unlisted events are welcome.