American Exceptionalism: Ben, Larry and Ashley

That Ben Roethlisberger would express an aspiration to be a role model for children was placed in context by last evening's (early last evening's) cable television programming.

Headline News (the even more pathetic cable sibling to CNN, whose Larry King dealt with his eighth divorce by leering at Pamela Anderson while asking whether she had ever engaged in sexual congress while standing and whether any underwear separated his thoughts from her genitalia) featured an extended segment during which Ashley Dupre, Elliott Spitzer's whore (left), dispensed advice on romantic relationships in response to viewers' inquiries.

That this programming would be broadcast before 9 p.m. is scandalous. It is possible a few adults are still watching CNN and Headline News at that hour.

UPDATE: Pam Anderson is omitted from the headline because, considering the condition in which washed-up TV bimbos sometimes wash back ashore, Pam is relatively respectable.

On A Prosecutor (Or Lack Of One), Downtown Failures (And Plenty), And Justice (To Come)

Several items are stacking up -- such as Ben Roethlisberger's innocent-as-O.J. exoneration (and his sincere-as-a-pump-fake public statement), a strange internal memorandum from a gubernatorial campaign, and a substantial update of the Propositions Board (far right column) -- so, to relieve pressure, a few quick chugs:

1) Something bizarre seems to be developing with respect to installation of a United States Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania (to replace the blessedly departed Chong-Hunter, Mary Beth Buchanan). One short-list candidate has begun the process of resigning his current position -- and that candidate is not Dave Hickton, the person widely identified as having been chosen. After an indication that all three Pennsylvania districts would have nominees this week, today's announcement omitted the Western District. This delay appears to be affecting at least two important investigations and/or prosecutions, and appears to be unrelated to the senatorial prerogative-wrestling contest focused on the Eastern District. The entire situation has become puzzling.

2) You won't find a less satisfactory assessment of Pittsburgh's five- to twenty-year-old public affairs than this one (unless, perhaps, you get stuck next to Tom Murphy or an Allegheny Conference member on an airport shuttle). Exemplar: Are the (former) Lord & Taylor and Lazarus stores/subsidies properly seen as seeds for success?

3) Anyone who intends to comment, or competently ruminate, on the process to replace Associate Justice John Paul Stevens should read this.

Dr. Kevorkian, Your "Sandwich" Is Ready!

KFC (or, when not trying to jam its hydrogenated corporate butt into its favorite jeans, Kentucky Fried Chicken) today introduces the Double Down sandwich, which transforms traditional sandwich technology by replacing the formerly indispensable bread with two slabs of fried chicken. (The chicken surrounds bacon, two types of pasteurized process cheese and Colonel's Sauce.)


That's four ingredients. Fried chicken. Bacon. Fake cheese. Fancy mayonnaise. Period. On the menu as a "sandwich." (It probably came down to that or "salad.")

Didn't Dr. Kevorkian go to prison for assisting those bent on suicide?

Orie-Zappala War: Shots At The Eastern Front

Chief Justice Ronald Castille has fired a remarkably direct (among the enrobed) shot across Justice Joan Orie Melvin's judicial bow, suggesting events have constrained her recusal prerogative with respect to Pennsylvania Supreme Court cases considering prosecutions involving Allegheny County District Attorney (and big-game Orie-hunter) Stephen A. Zappala Jr.

Can anyone provide links to the Chief Justice's public oration concerning the ethics of district attorneys' (1) public declarations of innocence (despite all appearances) involving family members before any investigation has concluded, or (2) promotion of undeclared interests with respect to real estate development projects involving public funds, or (2) investigations of family members revealed to have failed to disclose financial and/or lobbying interests associated with the gambling industry?

Judge Stevens: The Best Kind of Justice

John Paul Stevens will resign as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States in a few months. It is probably an overstatement to say they don't make 'em like John Paul Stevens any more, but they certainly do not put 'em on the Supreme Court. A telling story from a former clerk to Associate Justice Stevens:

ONE of Justice Stevens’s trademarks is the courteousness with which he treats the lawyers who appear before the Supreme Court. When he wants to elicit information or make a point during oral argument, he typically interrupts the lawyer with the gentle preface, “May I ask you a question?”

During William Rehnquist’s tenure as chief justice, a lawyer was arguing in the court for the first time. When asked a question by Justice Anthony Kennedy, the nervous lawyer started her response with, “Well, Judge — ”

Chief Justice Rehnquist interrupted her. “That’s Justice Kennedy,” he said.

Shaken, the lawyer continued. A few minutes later, she responded to Justice David Souter by saying, “Yes, Judge.” Chief Justice Rehnquist corrected her again: “That’s Justice Souter.” A couple of minutes later, she called Chief Justice Rehnquist himself a judge.

The chief justice leaned forward, his deep voice now at its sternest, to say, “Counsel is admonished that this court is composed of justices, not judges.”

Before the lawyer could say anything, Justice Stevens interjected: “It’s O.K., Counsel. The Constitution makes the same mistake.”

The Constitution refers to "Judges" of the Supreme Court; "Justice" is an affectation not found in the Constitution, created by small men seeking to be acknowledged as larger, men such as Chief Justice Rehnquist, who also placed clownish, theatrical gold stripes on his robe. (Article III of the Constitution also does not capitalize the "s" in Supreme Court.)

John Paul Stevens -- who enlisted at the time of Pearl Harbor and helped crack invaluable codes during wartime, was an anti-corruption prosecutor, and pursued justice at the highest levels of his profession -- required neither embellished title nor flourished sleeve. To John Paul Stevens, justice is the point, not a title.

Similarly worthwhile recollections: "My Boss, Justice Stevens."

Roethlisberger: Let's Check The Instant Preplay

Two reports -- one from the prosecuting authority, the other from the sports authority -- strongly incline a conclusion Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged with a crime with respect to the bathroom incident in Georgia. These reports do not necessarily indicate, however, that Ben has avoided a sack.

The Ocmulgee Judicial District Attorney has scheduled a Monday morning press conference for release of his charging decision. ESPN has reported that the decision is to refrain from filing any charge against the Steelers quarterback. Some observers infer exoneration (which is yinzer for 'he can play!, he can play!'). Not so fast. Let's look at the preplay, from several angles.

The leaks have involved Ben's DNA (leaking DNA may be a chronic headache for Ben and his employer), the complainant's failure to appear for a law enforcement interview, and the charging decision.

The charging decision leak is persuasive. Had ESPN a minisliver of doubt concerning the announcement, it would not broadcast an unqualified declaration -- because journalistic rectitude and basic honor would preclude such a roll of the dice several people, some of whom drive Ferraris, would be fired within moments of a "DA Charges Roethisberger With Rape" announcement. A reporter might take a career-influencing shot; an executive vice president, after consultation with house counsel, would not.

The DNA leak, which occurred a couple of weeks ago, is less telling. It could have meant investigators had concluded no crime had occurred; but in that circumstance the announcement would have been made long before now. It also could have meant police found no DNA for comparison, or that the police already had Roethlisberger's DNA. Or, it could have signaled law enforcement officers' frustration concerning their investigation . . , which frustration could have been generated the alleged victim's refusal to cooperate.

Why would a 20-year-old woman, after going to the hospital and to the police in tears -- after a man reportedly entered the rest room she occupied, she later emerged injured and crying, and he admitted that sexual contact had occurred and that she had been hurt -- stop cooperating with police?

Roethlisberger Signs $102 Million Contract

Perhaps because that contract has influenced additional private encounters, involving lawyers, one of which might explain why the coed would choose to stop cooperating with authorities:

Lawyer: Now, they have offered a tentative settlement proposal, involving a payment, provided you . . .
Coed: Pay? Are you crazy? He raped me!
Parent: Now, dear, let's just listen.
Lawyer: Provided you sign a release, refuse to testify, and indeed you would have to stop cooperating with the authorities in any way.
Coed: I can't believe this. He pushes into my bathroom, he rapes me, and we're talking about money? I mean, he put his . . .
Parent: Calm down, dear. We're just listening.
Lawyer: We also need to consider that you were very intoxicated, while underage, in a bar, which could hurt the case in a couple of ways. Now, the district attorney has told me he also has concerns about some inconsistencies in your accounts of what happened. We must weigh all of these factors very carefully. Now, there also would be a strict confidentiality clause, meaning she could never talk . . .
Parent: Boy, the nerve of these people.
Lawyer: . . . about this ever again, and I mean never, not a word, because any violation whatsoever and the. . .
Coed: I wouldn't go for that for a million dollars.
Lawyers: . . . entire $25 million payment would be at risk.
All: Did you say $25 million dollars?

Why might Ben agree to make such a payment?

Ben: OK, I just want to start by saying . . .
Lawyer: If you are smart, Mr. Roethlisberger, or even if, as I suspect, your brain is capable of processing little more than the self-preservation instinct, you will say nothing other than 'yes,' and not until I have finished. Is that clear?
Ben: Huh?
Lawyer: I have analyzed the prosecution's case, and as you know I have also conducted my own investigation of this matter. If the police investigation follows the expected course, you should expect to be charged with several counts, including rape.
Ben: Rape? Are you crazy? You don't understand bitches, man.
Lawyer: And you, sir, selected the wrong jurisdiction in which to be accused of a rape involving a local girl. This is not Pittsburgh, where you could rape a high school girl in the middle of the town square and, I am told, the mayor would apologize to you for the scratches on your face. This is Georgia, Mr. Roethlisberger. Deep South Georgia. Do you know the penalty for rape in Georgia, Mr. Roethlisberger?
Ben: Huh?
Lawyer: Here, sir, the penalty for rape is death. Death, Mr. Roethlisberger.
Ben: Whoa. Would I still get suspended?
Lawyer: Now, the Supreme Court has ruled that the death penalty for rape is unconstitutional in the United States, so in my professional opinion there is essentially no chance you would actually face execution for this crime. But Georgia continues to keep that death penalty for rape on the statutes, Mr. Roethlisberger, and it does so to send a signal. Do you understand?
Ben: Huh? Not really.
Lawyer: Yes, of course. I advise a settlement, Mr. Roethlisberger. Now, my preliminary discussions on your behalf with the victim's counsel . . .
Ben: Victim? She wanted it, man. You do not know these bitches like I do . . .
Lawyer: . . . and I am confident this entire matter can be closed for a payment of 20 to 25 . . .
Ben: 20 bucks? Why didn't you say so, dude? You had me all scared and shit. 20? Let's do it! You are the man! That'd be like a tip . . . if I left tips. Hell, let's give her a couple grand. I mean, she mighta got roughed up a little bit . ..
Lawyer: . . . [clears throat] 20 to 25 million dollars.
Ben: Million? What? You are bad crazy, dude. If my cops were here -- and I got 'em -- you'd be in cuffs right now.
Lawyer: You have precisely two choices, sir. You can pay the money, as I recommend. Still have enough left to be set for life, likely serve a suspension of some duration, then go back to playing football and your contract . . .
Ben: I mean it, dude, cuffs. You'd be all whining and they'd be asking, like, 'hey, Ben, should we Tase this guy,' and . . .
Lawyer: Or, you are welcome to take your chance with a Georgia jury, which I would expect to convict you of rape. You could spend 10 years in Georgia prisons, plus pay whatever a civil jury would award to this young woman. Most likely, never earn another dime in your life, although you might still have enough left to get by on. No more football, other than perhaps in a prison yard. So, you see, you'll pay either way. The only open question is whether you shall go to prison as well. The choice seems clear, Mr. Roethlisberger.
Ben: Huh? Isn't that what I'm paying you for, figure out stuff like this?
Lawyer: Pay her, Mr. Roethlisberger, and get back to your life.
Ben: You sure, man? She really wasn't worth it. I never even got to . . .
Lawyer: You need to pay her, and you need to agree to do so now, before she provides a formal, recorded statement to the authorities.

The district attorney is almost certain to announce that no charges are to be filed. Whether he reached that decision because the facts led to it, or because he was denied the facts when his self-described victim developed an aversion to cooperation, seems difficult to gauge before the district attorney elaborates.

DISCLAIMER (made advisable by some things that could appear here next week, and written by approved by sent to the Infittorney moments ago): The conversations herein are fiction, maybe even parody. Any resemblance to any genuine attorney-client meeting, living or dead, probably depends upon what really happened in that rest room, which we don't know.

Along The Legal Front Of The Orie-Zappala War: The Curious Case Of The Seal That Doesn't Bark

The stakes and participants of the Orie-Zappala War create intense pressures, sufficient to warp customary processes and decisions in many circumstances, such as this one. Good luck to the Post-Gazette (and any other civic-minded publishers) in attempting to (1) persuade Pennsylvania's courts to restore normalcy to the litigation front and (2) drafting a series of those tricky 'this is the way it usually happens, but this is the way it is occurring in this case' stories in the meantime.

Anti-Fake Penis Crusader Buchanan Still Protecting Us, Even From Her Professional Grave

Although Mary Beth Buchanan no longer is myopically stalking Democratic elected officials and the Republican Party platform's targets serving as the United States Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania, she continues to protect citizens. Today, for example, the feds finally drove a prosecutorial stake into the heart of the faux penis menace.

Mrs. Buchanan was unable to attend the socially conservative exorcism, however; she was too busy screaming at her campaign manager for entangling her in the Orie scandal.

Unsolicited Advice Series: Dan Onorato

Dan Onorato, reportedly flustered yesterday by the relatively standard candidate debate element of 'ask your opponent a question,' later channeled George W. Bush when the moderator asked Onorato to identify a mistake or regret in public office.

Bush: "Hmmm... I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. Uhhh . . . [six-second pause] . . . Uhhh . . . You know, I just . . . uhhh . . . I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet. . . . you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."



Onorato: “Let me think about it. I don’t have any regrets. I can’t think of one at this point in time.”

In the event candidate Onorato experiences a similar vicious ambush further along the campaign trail, here are a couple of obvious responses that voters might prefer to a claim of infallibility:

• I regret overcharging homeowners in struggling neighborhoods for property taxes by insisting that unconstitutional underassessments in affluent areas be perpetuated, especially after it has been pointed out that my longstanding legal and political position was not only illegal but also immoral.

• I regret overcharging everybody who paid the ten percent drink tax I imposed in my county, because it was known even at the time of enactment that a 10 percent rate would bring in more revenue than I claimed the county needed. On a related point, I also regret trying to use the excess revenues in a way prohibited by law. Plus, being a lawyer, I probably shouldn't have called that lawsuit "frivolous," contrary to law and "totally misleading," especially since I lost the case.

Seven million dollars apparently can't buy adequate debate prep, but that doesn't mean it isn't available.

You're welcome.

He's Making A List, And Orie Checks In Twice

Formal confirmation may be unavailable (perhaps because the List-Maker has learned to operate an e-mail machine, or because his e-mail privileges have been ordered suspended), but it seems safe to conclude that Jack Orie, with his "mafia hit" press conference, has been put on the list.

Knowledge Is Good (Emil Faber Said) . . .

. . . which means the Chinese government is bad.

Which is a good reason to remember Gao Zhisheng when considering any purchase of crappy made-in-China merchandise at Wal Mart or The Home Depot.

We Pause For A Public Service Announcement ...

. . . from someone you would not let your child near, let alone take advice from . . .



. . .oh, and from the people who introduced "pump me" heels to middle school.

Orie-Zappala War: Enough Weapons-Grade Vulnerability For Mutual Assured Destruction

The Orie-Zappala feud War -- currently being conducted statewide, with public-issued, -operated and -funded weapons -- already featured enough good points to fashion an ample arsenal of pitchforks before today's Zappala-arranged (and partially Orie-deflected) perp walk (left).

State Sen. (and majority whip) Jane Orie, according to several sources (one an intern from Pitt, another a staffer-turned-state's-evidence), allegedly used her senatorial office -- literally, not figuratively -- to campaign for a state Supreme Court candidate. Which Supreme Court candidate? The one who is her sister. Good point.

The refreshingly naive intern (too inexperienced to recognize business as usual, in nature if not degree) approached Pennsylania Attorney General Tom Corbett, who is using his office -- part literally, part figuratively -- to campaign for a candidate for governor. Which gubernatorial candidate? The one named Tom Corbett. Again, good point.

Tom Corbett punted -- the prospect of aggravating supporters of the state's third-ranking Senate Republican in the months before a Republican primary is the political equivalent of third-and-thirty-seven -- an action inconsistent with Corbett's "reform" platform but conducive to a campaign. Which campaign? The Corbett campaign. Another good point.

That punt was fielded by Stephen A. Zappala Jr., the Zappala empire's legal enforcer county district attorney, whose office has become a support center for candidates, business interests (disclosed, undisclosed, etc.), and political vendettas, all of which involve people named Zappala, people associated with List-Makers people named Zappala, or people who have crossed a Zappala. Yet again, a good point.

District Attorney Zappala concluded that he could overlook Sen. Orie's legitimate, public criticism of his entire family father, sister and brother, and her opposition to Zappala family business interests, and prosecute Sen. Orie impartially, because . . . well, that part has not been explained. Wow! Now that's a good point.

That punt was not fielded by the local United States Attorney's office, which has been used to pursue certain elected officials with vigor (but not, in general, convictions). Which elected officials? Democratic elected officials. Good points must be in season.

The feuding factions -- Republicans and Democrats, Ories and Zappalas, the currently ins and the currently outs -- have until now been fighting primarily over dollars and elected offices, the political equivalent of beanbags. With today's arraignment of Sen. Orie, however, Stephen Zappala has used the first bomb, turning the dispute into a war. Because both sides live in a conflicted and profitable politics-and-business world whose atmosphere consists primarily of weapons-grade materials, this war could escalate quickly and powerfully.

Until those developments occur, a question: Is there no good, independent lawyer in western Pennsylvania able and willing to become a district attorney or United States attorney?

Good News Can Emerge From Ashes Of Disaster

More than one hundred Chinese miners, trapped and feared dead, have reached the surface, alive, more than one week after their mine was flooded.

Also, the Pirates' schedule indicates that three (and only three) games at PNC Park will be worth attending this season:

Sat., July 24, Pompatus of Love giveaway
Sat. Aug. 7, Bourbon, Scotch, Beer giveaway
Sat., Sept. 25, Conquering Fools giveaway

West Virginians Ought To Give Pennsylvanians A Head Start In Answering This Question

Which group is assigned highest life insurance rates?

1) minefield clearers

2) suicide bombers

3) elderly recipients of experimental pancreatic cancer treatments

4) coal miners employed by Massey affiliates