Straw Poll Voters In Iowa (30 Bucks A Straw) Emulate Straw-Filled Scarecrow From Kansas

The Republican Party conducted a straw poll in Iowa this weekend. Because it was conducted by Republicans it featured a poll tax; because it was conducted by Republicans in Iowa the voters were primarily superstitious whites fattened, feed-lot style, with deep-fried butter (on a stick, naturally -- with icing).

Paying customers Eligible voters could base their decisions on a debate in which the Republican candidates provided lockstep pledges on public policy positions disfavored by most Americans (involving issues such as taxes and abortion). You might be a redneck party if Ron Paul is the only one on stage who rejects conservative dogma and makes sense on issues such as Iran past (the history of America's anti-democratic intervention), Iraq past (the blunder toward invasion), Iran future (the prospect of bombing Tehran), and the enduring Constitution (concerning treatment of "enemy combatants" and states' rights).

Or, Iowa's paying "voters" could have gotten their thirty bucks worth by writing in the name of Colbert Super PAC-endorsed candidate "Rick Parry" (right).

Early reports ascribed hundreds of write-in voters to "Rick Perry," with no indication how many of those votes included the "A for America" suggested by the Colbert political action committee. If anyone sees a reliable account of "Rick Parry's" performance in Iowa, please send it along.

Michele Bachman won the straw poll, Ron Paul finished second, Tim Pawlenty third. This would mean much if the United States were populated primarily by superstitious, bigoted, resentful, selfish, xenophobic white males. Gov. Pawlenty appeared to recognize this point when he celebrated his bronze medal by promptly quitting the race entirely.

Infytune: That Don't Impress Me Much, Shania Twain