Homeland Security Theater: Operation Saggy Pants

It appears an officious, white-bread-huffing Southwest Airlines employee chose the wrong saggy-pantsed American citizen to harass recently, inadvertently providing an apt illustration of how misguided so much of America's reaction to the September 11 attack has been.

Did Southwest address this situation sensibly -- Southwest contacted the customer promptly, and arranged carriage on the next flight -- because it recognized the impropriety of its employee's conduct, or because cultural treasure Billie Joe Armstrong has millions of dollars (and, probably, a lawyer) and a six-figure Twitter following?

Infytune: American Idiot, Green Day
Infytune: When I Come Around, Green Day
Infytune: Basket Case, Green Day

Some People Are Just No Damned Good

From observing the consequences of the reported conduct of someone such as Terra Jean Hill (right), it becomes apparent that some people are just no damned good.

Instead of focusing on the inexplicable and indefensible, however, please devote a caring thought to little Alizae Mosconi.

Infytune: Evil Woman,
Electric Light Orchestra

The Most Celebrated Speed Weapon In Pitt Football History Takes The Field For The Panthers Tomorrow

When Pitt's footballers compete against Buffalo tomorrow, they will feature a celebrated new reliance on speed. Indeed, the Panthers will exhibit speed never before observed by Pitt fans, speed that Larry Fitzgerald and Marshall Goldberg could barely dream of, speed that Curtis Martin and Dion Lewis lacked, speed that Darrelle Revis and even Tony Dorsett (right) could not match.

We refer, of course, to Todd Graham's mouth.

Graham's "high-octane" talk and "fast-acting formula" promises may have sold some tickets, and generated headlines, and might produce more success than Dave Wannstedt delivered -- but so far it is just talk, with no evidence to support expectations of improvement.

Today's Post-Gazette reports that an Allderdice athlete has committed to play football at Pitt. To become a Panther, Tyrique Jarrett rejected an offer from LSU Texas Alabama Akron. So long as Pitt fishes in waters shared by Miami of Ohio, Kent State, Youngstown State, and Toledo, it seems reasonable to remain skeptical concerning whether the arrival a $2 million-per-year mouth is cause to invoke memories of Johnny Majors.

Infytune: Talk To Me, Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes (with Bruce Springsteen)
Infytune: This Time It's For Real, Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes

The ACLU Is An Antidote To Drug Warriors With Craniums The Size Of Poppy Seeds

When a hospital repeatedly forgets the "do no harm" portion of its ostensible mission -- and becomes a mindless drug warrior chasing poppy-seeded spectres, trampling decency and common sense along the way -- Americans can be grateful the American Civil Liberties Union is willing and able to vindicate the Constitution and Americans' civil rights.

Infytune: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something

When Lack Of Self-Awareness Turns Surreal

It's not every day you can watch a guy whose entire belief system -- and every argument -- relies entirely on superstition-laced dogma chastise another debater for failure to meet an adequate standard of "proof" . . . unless you travel with former Senator and current Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

Infytune: Would Jesus Wear A Rolex, Ray Stevens
Infytune: Far Away Eyes, The Rolling Stones (Keith-Mick hug version)

Exposing InsolvenCity's Cop Succors

Bothered by a longstanding impression that a badge provides practical immunity from accountability for misconduct in Greater InsolvenCity?

Troubled by a persistent inability to rid the mind of a disturbing image featuring District
Attorney Stephen A. Zappala Jr. as Javert a habitual cop succor?

Ever wonder why representatives of the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police (up to and including the level of commander) and Fraternal Order of Police (up to an including the union's executive leadership) can run interference for crime-ridden nuisance bars in several InsolvenCity neighborhoods so brazenly?

Clarification of these points is available in the Post-Gazette
at the Tribune-Review website
from one of our FCC-licensed newsrooms
from that new hotshot journalism enterprise in town
at 3MurkyRivers.

Equally rare insight (concerning the Commonwealth's most important maitre d') is being served over at Rick's Place.

Infytune: Highway Patrolman, Johnny Cash (sound improves)
Infytune: Highway Patrolman, Johnny Cash (audio version)
Infytune: Fight To The End, Immortal Technique and Sabac Red

Invoking The Moral Authority Of Chris Rock

Agent Ska today wishes Michael Jackson a happy birthday. On behalf of Infinonymous, Chris Rock responds:


Infytune: Zombies Ate Her Brain, The Creepshow

What In Hell Is Wrong With People?

Among the 32 searches that delivered readers to Infinonymous most frequently today, substantially more than half involved these at least one of these elements:

1. joanna doven
2. someone holding a 40 of captain morgan / lambs navy rum
3. hogtied man / woman / lesbians
4. ashlie hardway
5. sewerology [??]
6. handcuffs blonde
7. virginia montanez
8. carrie prejean [redacted]
9. pittsburgh police garrett brown
10. be like a dancing bear
11. natalie gulbis [redacted]
12. where to buy sixpacks in pittsburgh
13. luke ravenstahl rumors / carson street / blonde

What in hell is wrong with people?

And, because we are pretty sure we never use "sewerology," what in hell is wrong with Google?

Infytune: Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

Six Years Of Child Rape = Two Years Of Probation?

The InfiLawyer says how law school works is that the A students become professors, the B students work for big firms, the C students become multimillionaires, and the D students become judges.

Maybe in some places, but not in Westmoreland County, which obviously has looser standards.

Infytune: Dazed And Confused, Led Zeppelin

The Naked City Infytune

When shameless boardroom greedheads misappropriate civic institutions and dodge taxes, someone -- usually at the margin -- gets short-sticked. A well-placed beam of light can be an appropriate and effective response.

Welcome, Luke-Gazers In Government Offices!

Our recent observations concerning InsolvenCity Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's refreshingly responsible flood-related conduct have generated an uncommonly large wave of visits, especially from government-related IP addresses.

The usual suspects -- City of Pittsburgh, Allegheny County of Penn, Pennsylvania legislature (House and Senate), Alcosan -- have been joined by a broader crew, including a number of Commonwealth agencies, the United States Department of State (sherman and clayton branches), county authorities, several courts, and various local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies.

The relevant page has also been popular among Harrisburg lobbying firms, Pittsburgh law firms, and Chicagoans.

A substantial number of recent visitors have ventured into The List-Makers' List (far right column); especially interesting, apparently, are Lamb/Lord, Wecht/Infinonymous, Brabender/Fitzpatrick, Acklin/Peduto, and Orie/Murphy.

The readers who linger longest tend to be enjoying these corners of Infinonymity: the underpass, the office, and the warehouse.

Welcome to all, and . . .

Infytune: (We're) Having A Party, Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes with Bruce Springsteen (The Agora, 1978)

It Is Time For Bashar al-Assad To Die

When the soul-starved regime you inherited rather than earned reaches the "mangling cartoonists' hands" stage --cousin to the "crushing children's testicles" stage contemplated by the type of unhinged ideologues who engage in torture by proxy -- it is time for the citizens of the society you have hijacked to remove you from power, by killing you if necessary.

Die soon, President al-Assad.

Infytune: See You Later, Alligator, Bill Haley & His Comets

The Refreshingly Responsible Life Of Luke

Although his administration's reaction to the Washington Boulevard flood faltered out of the blocks, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has recovered nicely, responding responsibly in comments and conduct.

Correcting an early exhibition of deflection and delusion, the mayor acknowledged that the relevant government officials' dissemblings were inadequate and declared what should have been obvious from the start: "Something has to change on Washington Boulevard."

While others adopted a helpless stance, the mayor proposed policy suited to the circumstances: "If we have to close down a road, perhaps prematurely, perhaps unnecessarily, we will do that." That is nothing of which InsolvenCity should be proud, but it is the sole prudent course unless and until a reliable engineering solution is implemented.

The mayor properly described a point some subordinates had proposed as a defense -- that they perceived no flaw in operation of the stormwater management system -- as evidence not of vindication but of inadequacy: “If in fact their conclusion is accurate, then we clearly have bigger issues on our hands than we may have anticipated.”

Returning to his city after another awkward invocation of what must be the most uncannily effective subconscious early-warning system in human history, the mayor added an appropriate grace note by attending the funeral of a woman his city had failed.

Rejecting the dodging and defensiveness of others, Mr. Ravenstahl acknowledged, deftly, that the municipal breakdown raised issues of accountability for many public officials, including the mayor: "Certainly we'll take a look at it and whoever bears responsibility, and we all do in some way, for the events will certainly take it."

Mayor Ravensthal's performance since the catastrophe occurred has been nearly as good as the precipitating failures were bad.

Infytune: Redemption Song, Bob Marley

The In-Over-Her-Head Life Of Joanna Doven

Chronicling a series of silly statements from the inadvertently entertaining public life of mayoral mouthpiece Joanna Doven has been primarily amusement, but we were struck nearly speechless recently when her chuckleheaded commentary veered from daft to dangerous.

In the wake of unspeakable tragedy -- "unspeakable" being an important cue, in this context, for someone with Ms. Doven's record -- came two of the dumbest statements we have ever encountered, comprising a single sentence:

"The road is open, therefore the road is safe," Ms. Doven said.

It is difficult to determined which of those reckless, dangerous assertions is worse.

The road is safe?

Many words could describe a situation in which nine feet of poorly managed water drowns a mother and her daughters inside a vehicle on a paved city street (while an elderly woman is swept to the river and her death in a storm sewer). "Safe" is not among them.

Asking whether Washington Boulevard is safe resembles Pulp Fiction's Butch the Boxer (Bruce Willis) asking Marcellus Wallace 'You OK?' -- right after Wallace had been beaten unconscious, hogtied, ball-gagged, raped, and rescued moments before an ugly death in a sadist's dungeon. Joanna Doven deserves the response Wallace gave at 8:00 of this clip. (One difference, of course -- and it does not work in Ms. Doven's favor -- is that Butch had just saved Wallace's life in an altruistic manner.)

To paraphrase Marcellus Wallace: Washington Boulevard is pretty . . . far from safe.

"The road is open, therefore the road is safe?"

At the time that claim was advanced, "the road is open" did not mean "the road is safe." It meant solely 'the same knuckleheads who observed and ignored a recent series of escalating flash floods in an area known to flood for at least a half-century still encourage you to put your family on Washington Boulevard during rush hour.'

While her colleagues in government were claiming to be powerless to prevent a recurrence, and that they had no idea how this calamity occurred, Ms. Doven (right) was assuring the public with an unqualified declaration that the flood plain was safe. This goes beyond hackery and flackery, straight to reckless endangerment.

Even by the customary standards of Ms. Doven's mindless defend-deny-deflect approach to her work, the performance in Monday's Post-Gazette established a new mark. The only generous explanation we can conjure is that for Ms. Doven, a new mother, the horrific image of two young girls drowning with their mother was enough to short-circuit every functioning synapse in her system.

Infytune: Our Lips Are Sealed, The Go-Gos (lip-synch version)
Infytune: Our Lips Are Sealed, The Go-Gos (girls can play version)

It Is Time For Muammar Gaddafi To Die

As Libyan citizens bent on revolution reach Tripoli, it appears to be time for Muammar Gaddafi, who chose to maintain his power until its bitter end, to die. (Again.)

Rebels reportedly captured one two of Gaddafi's sons reportedly today, while a cowering Gaddafi implored Libya's women to take arms and save him. Gaddafi is said to have spent recent days transferring funds to a safer location (likely Algeria). The fighters currently encircling Gaddafi's residential compound should kill Gaddafi before he is able to join those assets in exile.

Infytune: Talkin' 'bout A Revolution, Tracy Chapman