Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Top Ten Tips For Spokesgals

Since I originally posted this list at the Burgh Report, the boy mayor apparently has seen (more likely: been shown) the light regarding the sustainability of a mouthpiece who is personally involved in a gathering corruption/conflict-of-interest scandal, and dispatched his blogawkward, best-evah spokeswoman -- but I think it most of these suggestions survive today's "resignation."

Today's top ten tips for anyone suddenly reconsidering that spokesgirl gig:
  1. The next DVD you watch should be Hawaii Five-O (any season, any show). Fast-forward to the "book 'em, Dano" part and then focus intently on what comes next, especially the "anything you say can and will be . . ." part. You probably won't even need surround sound to get the message.
  2. When your lawyer tells you, 'the fact that the ad company arranged for me to help you doesn't mean I won't have your best interests at heart at all times,' it's probably time to find a new lawyer.
  3. When your husband tells you, 'no, honey, you don't need a separate lawyer . . . see, this way, me and my lawyer, we'll BOTH be looking out for you, sweetie' it's probably time to find your own apartment.
  4. When deciding which newspaper to leak a damage-inhibiting scoop to (in hopes of arranging gentler treatment down the road), never pick the Trib.
  5. Recognize that 'It's so amazing and I'm really glad that someone saved the self-incriminating posts from my blog before I deleted them' translates to 'doesn't this dizzy spokesgirl ever know when to just shut her pie hole?' in nearly every known language.
  6. Never tell a prosecutor, "But, like, you know, what I don't get is, like, what's the big deal here anyway, 'cause, I mean, like, they were just, like . . . a few little speakers."
  7. The first person to turn state's evidence customarily (but not invariably) gets the best deal . . plus, the bigger the fish you put into their fryer, the more lenient they are likely to be.
  8. Hitting "delete call record" on a mobile telephone does not erase the telephone company's records (feel free to share this one with your pals).
  9. When the mayor's consigliere pulls you close and whispers that you should stay quiet because he will never let anything happen to you . . . he might not be being entirely forthcoming with you.
  10. Never blog again. Evah.

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