Today's top ten tips for anyone suddenly reconsidering that spokesgirl gig:
- The next DVD you watch should be Hawaii Five-O (any season, any show). Fast-forward to the "book 'em, Dano" part and then focus intently on what comes next, especially the "anything you say can and will be . . ." part. You probably won't even need surround sound to get the message.
- When your lawyer tells you, 'the fact that the ad company arranged for me to help you doesn't mean I won't have your best interests at heart at all times,' it's probably time to find a new lawyer.
- When your husband tells you, 'no, honey, you don't need a separate lawyer . . . see, this way, me and my lawyer, we'll BOTH be looking out for you, sweetie' it's probably time to find your own apartment.
- When deciding which newspaper to leak a damage-inhibiting scoop to (in hopes of arranging gentler treatment down the road), never pick the Trib.
- Recognize that 'It's so amazing and I'm really glad that someone saved the self-incriminating posts from my blog before I deleted them' translates to 'doesn't this dizzy spokesgirl ever know when to just shut her pie hole?' in nearly every known language.
- Never tell a prosecutor, "But, like, you know, what I don't get is, like, what's the big deal here anyway, 'cause, I mean, like, they were just, like . . . a few little speakers."
- The first person to turn state's evidence customarily (but not invariably) gets the best deal . . plus, the bigger the fish you put into their fryer, the more lenient they are likely to be.
- Hitting "delete call record" on a mobile telephone does not erase the telephone company's records (feel free to share this one with your pals).
- When the mayor's consigliere pulls you close and whispers that you should stay quiet because he will never let anything happen to you . . . he might not be being entirely forthcoming with you.
- Never blog again. Evah.
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