The Tale Of Two UPMCs (And A Plea To Mark Nordenberg On Behalf Of Standard English)

The Post-Gazette's Sally Kalson reminds Pittsburgh that, behind the unattractive face of UPMC, thousands of employees work to heal their neighbors. Those rank-and-file employees did not create the anticompetitive health care system, have not manipulated that system to crush competition and communities, and do not spend their working days compromising and overrunning elected officials and regulators. Most of them help patients without million-dollar compensation and often with distinction and even sacrifice.

The ugly aspects of UPMC sometimes occlude these points, making Sally Kalson's reminder useful.

On the other hand, could someone ask Mark Nordenberg to require -- if UPMC desires to continue to derive the benefits of using "University of Pittsburgh" in its name -- that UPMC engage the English Department to proofread billboards, print advertisements and broadcasting scripts? UPMC's abuse of standard English in commercials should embarrass the university at least as much as the fabricated figures flexible mathematics used by the Department of Athletics when counting football crowds during the early years at Heinz Field.

A Goddam Phony, If You Really Want To Know

If you really want to know the truth, J.D. Salinger was an indolent goddam fraud.

After sponging off his well-off, indulgent parents as a serial washout, this Salinger misfit sponged an entire adult life as the beneficiary of unearned privilege from a crappy novel about some indolent goddam fraud whining about unearned privilege.

When he wasn't writing a crappy novel, which was basically his entire goddam life, this phony bastard was interrupting his weird, antisocial ways only to conduct a series of weird, loser relationships with creepily younger woman. Salinger was the kind of guy who lived with his parents in his 30s, then, in his 50s, would talk a nice, intelligent, awe-struck and immature 18-year-old girl into his bed, bang her for part of a year, then move on. A real creep. I mean, anybody could see it.

Face it. The only people who bought Salinger's novel were school district purchasing clerks, acting on orders from goddam English department administrators adopting the previous semester's reading list by rote for 50 years . . . because kids can't complain about the crap they're assigned to read, and even if they complain, who cares?

I mean, do you know anybody who ever bought a Salinger book with his own money? Anybody? I mean, other than phonies?

What a load of crap. The book and the guy, both. A real phony.

Pittsburgh May Be Running On Fumes, But There Is Still At Least One Big-Leaguer In Town

Maria Sciullo of the Post-Gazette recently observed, aptly, that Pittsburgh has been overrun by smaller-than-life characters in recent decades.

So long as Bill Mazeroski is around -- say, rounding second, thoughout the ages -- however, it will be easy to overlook the lesser characters. Bill James has described Maz's defensive performance as the greatest of any player at any baseball position, and called Maz's defensive contribution to his team the greatest in professional baseball history. Add the 1960 home run and -- perhaps most important -- the humility and decency, and Maz would be a giant anywhere.

The State Of Our Union Is . . . Weird

After President Obama's State of the Union address, and Fox News' contributors descriptions of a "flat" and "defiant" speech that indicated the President has learned little in recent months, Republican rebutter Bob McDonnell is walking to a podium in a weird setting -- an assemblage of supporters who have transformed Virginia's state legislative chamber into a minor-league version of the United States Capitol -- so that Gov. McDonnell, a graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent University and confirmed representative of Lesser Jesusland, can spout Scripture by his very position at that podium demonstrate that the Republicans have learned even less.

UPDATE: Forgot to predict that Gov. McDonnell would assure Americans that Pres. Obama sides with the terrorists. Nailed the "spouting Scripture" part, though.

UPPERDATE: Not too shabby, particularly for a flat, defiant performance.

The Comet Of Pittsburgh's Future Could Take A Lesson From The Ghost Of Coaching's Past

Thirty years ago, when Joe Paterno was 94, sports fans' thoughts naturally turned toward Paterno's retirement plans, and a sportswriter turned those thoughts into a question concerning Paterno's future in college football. Paterno's response: "What do you want me to do . . . leave it for guys like [Barry] Switzer and [Jackie] Sherrill?"

I put it to you, Bram: Do you intend to leave southwestern Pennsylvania for guys like Ravenstahl? Zober and Zappala? Onorato and Orie? For the Post-Gazette and Tribune-Review?

Three decades later, Paterno is still winning (at a cow-town school, no less, that couldn't build a basketball program if the last keg in town were at stake), still refusing to play Pitt, still sporting shoe-polish black hair, still demonstrating lucidity periodically . . . well, you get the picture.,

The point is, the Comet's time has not passed.

Don't do it, Bram.

Haitian Orphans' Tale Reconfirms The Rule: There Are No Saints Under The Microscope

Predictably, the closer the examination, the more muddled the conduct, judgment, and motivation of everyone (12-and-under excepted) involved in the Haitian orphan story becomes.

By the time we reach the high-def version of the story -- the "secret meetings" and similar intrigue -- it probably won't be much fun to watch.

Protesters Finally Put The "UP" In UPMC

Citizens protesting UPMC's heartless (but profitable and competitively ingenious) decision to destroy Braddock close Braddock hospital began to attempt to put the "UP" in "UPMC" today by visiting Pitt's campus and delivering a letter to the University-owned home of Pitt's chancellor, Mark Nordenberg.

A UPMC spokesman The Post-Gazette stated that "UPMC and the university are legally separate entities" but otherwise ignored (as has become local newspapers' custom) the long-puzzling issue of Pitt's relationship with UPMC.

UPMC gets commercially invaluable prestige, and a thin but effective ethical cloak for its rapacious, obscenely profitable business operations, from the use of the university's name. What is Pitt's end of the bargain? The short end, if UPMC's relationship with the entire region is a useful barometer, but Braddock and the region deserve an answer to the question.

Roughly 50 protesters assembled near the chancellor's house, watched by University police officers. Those officers confirmed that neither Luke Ravenstahl nor Dan Onorato was involved in the situation by refraining from using tear gas launchers, rubber bullets, military-grade acoustic cannons and other weapons against the peaceful protesters, by declining to arrest and smack around peaceably assembled citizens, and by not declaring Devonshire Street a martial law zone (final selection on Infinonyvision, center column).

Sure Bet Weekend: Joe Grushecky, Bill Toms (Lovebettie And Anti-Flag To Follow)

Joe Grushecky will perform at the Meadows gambling hall's Silks stage (interstate 79's exit 41, between Canonsburg and Washington) this Friday and Saturday, beginning at 8 p.m. each evening. No charge for the show; the management is banking on the lure of slots to fund the events.

Bill Toms will throw a CD release party at Moondogs (Blawnox) on Saturday night, 10 p.m.

Lovebettie's Video Premiere Party: Pittsburgh's Hard Rock Cafe, Saturday, January 30, 10:30 p.m.

Anti-Flag brings the "Economy Sucks, Let's Party" tour to Mr. Smalls (Millvale), Saturday, February 6. From Pittsburgh's G20 soundtrack, One Trillion Dollars:

If Anderson Cooper Is Irritating The Governor, Cooper Might Be Asking Worthwhile Questions

Despite Infinonylove for the McMutrie sisters, and admiration of their determination and sacrifice, a few questions about the pomp-and-politics extraction were nagging even before CNN's Anderson Cooper began to voice concerns on the ground about the prospect of prospect of undesirable side effects of the extraordinary operation.

Some have mentioned the local political angling angle, but that issue seems relatively minor (so far).

As wonderful as the sight of the children's arrival in Pittsburgh was, everyone should hope that it was accomplished without disadvantaging the injured or starving to comfort the less-needy, without immoral line-jumping, without diverting scarce and invaluable resources (runway time, security) from greater moral imperatives. (Everyone also should hope no religious discrimination is involved in this story -- no religiously biased door into that orphanage, no religiously slanted door out of that orphanage, no role for religion in determining who was evacuated from the island first.)

There is no evidence (or little evidence) that the well-connected few benefited at the expense of the imperiled many, but there is also no evidence that good intentions did not generate lamentable consequences, and Anderson Cooper shouldn't be the only one interested in questions or answers.

The Intertubes Provide Perspective

McMutries Salvage Hope In Local 20-Somethings

Lest anyone draw from the Ravenstahls' delusions of competency that no pair of local twenty-something siblings could have a positive effect on society . . . presenting the McMutrie sisters .

Did The Burgh Lose A Contest Whose Winner Got A Ravenstahl While The Loser Got Two Of Them?

Some people apparently look at Bristol Palin (right, with vodka bottle) -- who became pregnant and a high school dropout at 17 (and a broken-engagement single mother at 18) despite the advantages associated with being the child of a governor (left, with wink) -- and think, "if that unqualified but politically connected bimbo can be a (part-time) ambassador for abstinence and start a lobbying and consulting firm, my equally unaccomplished life has 'state representative' written all over it."

Pittsburgh's North Side is beginning to resemble a Married With Children episode, except in the yinzer script the guy whose resume leads with "high school football" doesn't sell women's footwear at Gary's Shoes at the mall -- instead, he follows a freakish path to become a small-town mayor, or uses his second-team all-conference place-kicker trophy as a springboard to the state capitol.

Drip, Drip, Drip: Bailing Out The Water Authority One Predatory Insurance Policy At A Time?

Illyrias appears to be properly outraged (although she might be using "smarminess" when she intends "scumminess" with respect to apparent scamminess involving predatory insurance).

As Pittsburgh Firefighters Beclown Themselves, Mouthpiece Joe King Stumbles (Putting It Mildly)

City firefighters union leader Joe King -- normally so garrulous that prosecutors sometimes invite him in to continue chatting (sometimes with immunity)-- was unusually quiet in the wake of a string of egregious incidents involving firefighters.

Until today.

He should have stayed quiet.

In particular, Mr. King embarrassed himself with a comment concerning union member Timothy B. Coyne, subject of an extended police complaint: After a city homeowner objected to Coyne's urination outside the home, Coyne "burst through the front door and grabbed [the victim] by the throat," slammed him against a wall, entered the home with at least four friends and began screaming at the victim and his friends. The charges: burglary, simple assault, loitering, criminal mischief and public drunkenness.

Mr. King's assessment? Mr. Coyne "stumbled."

That's not stumbling; that's storming. Stumbling is when you overlook for decades the retirement fund mismanagement that threatens every firefighter pension. When the subject is violent home invasion conducted by a gang, the word is storming.

Mr. King also bristled when objecting to any rush to judgment against the half-dozen city firefighters awaiting court dates for drunken rampages or drunken driving (or both): "They have their privileges and rights to due process." The city, he said, should not prejudge the defendants until the legal process resolves the criminal charges.

Mr. King then promptly prejudged an incident involving city firefighters, a duffle bag stuffed with cash and a citizen's complaint to police: "Unfounded," Mr. King declared the citizen's claim.

Mr. King should focus on a different word -- "unfunded" -- and to do so quietly; his recent comments introduce gasoline to a combustible situation, and anyone associated with firefighting should know better.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King

Had Martin Luther King, Jr. survived America's racism to enjoy the benefits of the civil rights campaign he led, he might be celebrating an 81st birthday today.

Instead, although we continue to endure the stupid ramblings of one of Dr. King's contemporaries among men of the cloth, we must be content with the memories and results of Dr. King's courage, strength and wisdom.